Total Crossover Chaos
by Garfield fan 1
Summary: (Co-written with H2otwo) A Garfield/Mario/Total Drama/Simpsons/Peanuts/FoxTrot/Kirby/F-Zero/Get Fuzzy/Pokemon all-star mega-crossover competition with over 130 contestants, all going for a million dollars in their currency! Who will win? Who will get to the merge? Who will be sent home next?
1. Episode 1: Well, This is Sucky

The boats pulled up to Camp Wawanakwa. Chris and Chef Hatchet stepped out and dusted off.

"Welcome," Chris said, "To the latest season of you know what!" Let's do away with a long intro and cut to the chase. We have three All-Star teams from previous seasons this time! Cody! You are the first captain! Choose your friends wisely!"

Cody stepped out. He tripped and cracked the dock. He got up and was handed a jPad brand tablet. He inspected the choices.

He pressed the jPad. A clanking sound came from the boat. Cody looked to the camera fearfully. Sierra ran in and tackled him. Sierra grabbed it and pressed it. Another clank. Izzy ran out from the boat but tripped on the edge and landed with her jaw on the dock. She laughed maniacally and remained there.

Team so far: Cody, Sierra, Izzy

Cody snatched the tablet from Sierra and pressed it. Clank. Duncan reluctantly climbed out and used Izzy as a bridge. "Great," He grunted, "I have to take orders from this loser."

Chris held up a handcuff. Duncan presented Cody with a coconut candy bar.

"Cody has picked Duncan," Alerted the pad.

Cody put it in his backpack and pressed the tablet again. Clank-jangle-crink-reel. Out walked Heather. Cody pressed another button. Out came Lindsay. She saw Izzy and decided to play Bridges with her. The two lay stretched from the ship to the pier.

"Cody has picked Lindsay."

Cody sighed. He tapped the jPad and Tyler jumped out. He saw Lindsay lying outstretched and helped her up. She looked upset, but the two joined their captain.

"Cody has picked Tyler."

Cody grew impatient and tapped the pad four times. Out came Beth, DJ, LeShawna and Harold. LeShawna noticed Izzy and helped her up.

Chris grinned. "Killer Bass: Cody, Sierra, Izzy, Duncan, Heather, Lindsay, Tyler, Beth, DJ, LeShawna and Harold!"

"The next team is the all-star group from Season four! Welcome in your Captain for the Toxic Rats, Mal!"

Mike stepped out of the second boat. "Mike," he groaned. "It's Mike."

"Whatever. You are now to pick your team for this season. Be careful who you choose, because there are no take-backs! And I thought you might need a little help from a veteran. so welcome your second-in-command, Owen!"

Owen ran out of the first boat in tears. "Oh, Izzy, I'm so sorry. I will do all I can to get to the Bass."

Izzy hugged him and slipped something into his hand. He looked at it and saw it was a small adhesive bomb.

Mike stared at his tablet. He pressed on it and stepping out from the boat was Dakotazilla. Upon stepping out, she shrunk back to her normal size and appearance. "Oh, we're here," she noted. Mike pressed the screen. Scott left the boat. The two went to their captain.

Mike pressed onto the jPad again. Cameron exited the boat and slapped Mike on the back weakly, to tell him his choice was a good one.

Mike, unsure of what other choices to pick, donned a fedora and let Manitoba Smith take over, who then rapidly punched the pad, releasing Lighting, B, Dawn, Sam, Jo and Zoey. Cameron flicked the hat off and Mike weighed up his personality's choices.

Cameron grabbed the camera. "This season, be prepared. Last week he found out his psychological problem was real severe and that it isn't as easy as it was to cure. So when his shirt was removed for a physical checkup, he pummeled the doctor."

Chris grinned again. "Toxic Rats: Mike, Owen, Dakota, Scott, Cameron, Lightning, B, Dawn, Sam, Jo and Zoey!"

He turned to his chef. "Take them to the foodhouse."

As Hatchet dragged the Bass and the Rats away, Chris turned to the third boat. "Our Captain for the Screaming Gophers is Shawn!"

Shawn warily stepped out of the boat. A seasick intern shuffled out after him. Shawn panicked and Axe Kicked at the intern. his foot struck the intern on the way up and and sent him flying several miles away.

Chris winced. "Calm down, Shawnie. This ain't Smash Brothers."

Shawn looked at Chris like he was an idiot. "This is an apocalypse!"

Chris chuckled to himself. "Suuuuuure it is." He tossed Shawn his jPad.

Shawn caught it and squinted. "Hmmmm... I need a good, reliable team who I can trust to fend off shufflers. "Scarlett."

Scarlett and Max came out together. "It's a double deal," Max crowed.

Chris stopped the commotion. "Hold up. You guys need a veteran even more than the Rats. So I give you Noah!"

Noah left the first boat and it departed. He reluctantly joined his team.

Shawn shrugged and suddenly he remembered something. He frantically tapped the pad. Out of the boat came Amy, Samey, Sky, Jasmine, Leonard, Beardo and Topher.

Chris Showed the faces of the three teams' members with a visual effect. "Screaming Gophers: Shawn, Noah, Scarlett, Max, Amy, Samey, Sky, Jasmine, Leonard, Beardo and... Topher..." His grin fell.

Suddenly the Total Drama Jumbo Jet airdropped a gym-looking building near the cabins. Out poured ten teams worth of people. Everyone was surprised except them and Chris, who regained his pleasant grin. A fellow in a very ugly suit stepped forward. "Hello, Total Drama and Camp Wawanakwa! I'm Jon Arbuckle with my translator RX-2 the talking scale and these are the teams we are bringing to you to enrich your competing!"

Jon listed them.

"Team Garfield!"

Garfield stepped forward. "These are my teammates. Odie, Arlene, Merine- my daughter, Lyman, Jon's Mom, Jon's Dad, Doc Boy, My Mom, Sonja and Jon's grandma!"

They all joined the captain.

"HA!" laughed Mike, with his hair flopping over his eyes, "GRANDMA?! THIS IS GONNA BE A PUSHOVER!" His hair fixed itself and he made an asthmatic gasp. Cameron patted himm on the back. "Yes," he said, "That grandma WILL be a pushover."

Jon's grandma raised he sweater to reveal her impossibly toned abs.

The villains (and Mike, again with a messed up hairstyle) all made a gasp as a single unit. The heroes hummed in interest.

Jon introduced the next Captain. "Next, Team Nermal!"

Nermal busted out of the crowd. "Heeeeeey all o' you uncuties out there!"

His entrance was met with a resounding boo. Also, someone in the cluster threw a Boo at him.

He sniffed and introduced her team.

"Hey!" Nermal yelled. "Authors, I'm a guy!"

The authors sat in nearby bleachers eating popcorn. They giggled as Nermal raged about his gender.

Nermal frowned. "There we go. My team is my brother Normal, the Wade brothers, Wade and Wide, Irma, Binky the Clown, Liz, Squeak, Herman Post and Ellen."

They all stepped out from the cloud of people and miscellaneous creatures.

Jon groaned, "Next, Team Friendship, captained by the Buddy Bears, Bobby, Billy and Bertie."

The three bear cubs started singing. "We are the buddy bears and we always-"

Jon hit a gong. The bears looked sad and shut up.

Jon sighed. "Their team consists of Cactus Jake, Floyd, Penelope, Catzilla, Harry, Vito and Eddie Gourmand.

They stepped out of the crowd. It was looking a lot more like a human crowd.

Jon smiled. "Now, for Team 64! SMG4?"

The YouTube celebrity stepped out. "And I have picked Mario, Gerald, Sam, Toad, Red Toad, Starlow, Petey Piranha and The Wario Brothers!

They stepped forward.

Jon called, "Team Royal! Peach, your team?"

Peach waved. "I've picked Daisy, Toadette, Toadsworth, Rosalina, Yoshi, his orange brother Douglas- first time on TV, Birdo and the Kongs.

They stepped up.

Jon lost composure for half a moment. "Team Bowser!"

Bowser stepped up. he roared and his team came up. The crowd looked a lot yellower now. His team included Bowser Jr. and the Koopalings:

Ludwig von Koopa, Lemmy, Roy, Iggy, Wendy O. Koopa, Morton Jr. Larry and Kamek, too.

Jon yelled, "Now, before anyone complains! I was threatened!"

Jon wiped away sweat and was overcome by angry teams. Meanwhile, RX-2 took over.

RX-2 phonetically counted off the other teams.

"Team Golden Donut: Led by Homer Simpson, with Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson, Charles Montgomery Burns, Kent Brockman, Carl Carlson, Lenny Leonard, 'Diamond' Joe Quimby and 'Stupid' Ned Flanders."

The team stepped forward. The crowd was looking somewhat short.

"Team Springfield Elementary, Led by Milhouse van Houten, with Martin Prince, Ralph Wiggum, Nelson Muntz, Seymour Skinner, The Comic Book Guy, Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders, Krusty the Klown and Otto Mann."

The team stepped up. Rod and Todd were sobbing because of having to be on a team against their father.

"Team Publicity: Doctor Hibbert, Doctor Nick, Clancy Wiggum, Waylon Smithers, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier-Twerligger-Hutz-McClure-Stu-Simpson, The Bumblebee Man, Disco Stu, The Duffman and John Frink."

They all stepped out. There were still some kids in the crowd.

Jon recovered from the mauling. "And those guys left in the corner are the losers nobody chose to put on a team on the trip here. They are Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus, Snoopy (with Woodstock), Jason, Peter and Paige Fox, Bucky Katt, Peppermint Patty, and Kirby!"

(Theme Song)

(The first six notes of the Mario theme plays and a coin sound is heard) (Mario is breakdancing clothesless on a toilet. SMG4 is facepalming.)

(Musical intro) A spotlight comes out of Odie's mouth. a second comes out of Sam's cap. a camera comes out of Izzy's hair, with a chipmunk on it. a second camera pops out of Homer's head, flinging a peanut out and into the air. Jon claps a clapper and the camera zooms into Camp Wawanakwa, hitting Chris and carrying him on the camera for a few seconds.

Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doin' fine  
(Charlie Brown charges at a football held by Lucy as Linus and Snoopy look on. Lucy pulls it away and Charlie Brown goes flying into the air. The background goes black and suddenly a top-down perspective shows Charlie Brown skydiving into Lake Wawanakwa.)

You guys are on my mind  
(Izzy shows up on top of Charlie Brown. they hit the water and bubbles flow past the camera.)

You asked me what I wanted to be  
(Izzy is riding Owen underwater. He kicks a fish and it flies off the top of the screen.)

And I think the answer is plain to see  
(DJ, Iggy and Dawn are sitting with the animals. Iggy panics and runs at the sight of the camera, DJ is attacked by the animals and Dawn is hit by the fish.)

I wanna be famoooooous!  
(The Yoshi brothers laugh at Iggy panicking, but Yoshi panics and runs himself as Birdo shows up, leaving behind a contract showing Birdo and Yoshi together. In the background Gerald is burning a Mario dummy. Camera pans to Team Bowser discussing strategies. Iggy is still being gnawed by a squirrel.)

I wanna live close to the sun  
(Mr. Burns and Mayor Quimby are violently throwing wads of money at each other as they sit in a raft. It falls off the waterfall and are closely followed by Team Springfield Elementary.)

Well pack your bags 'cause I've already won  
(The Simpsons are eating and the rafts fall behind them. Jason and Bucky swing in on a vine, kicking over the table and hitting the confessional, spilling out Lindsay, Toadsworth and the Princesses.)

Everything to prove nothing in my way  
(Duncan, Gwen, Courtney and Heather are looking at a scroll. Heather is writing on it with a quill. Meanwhile, Team 64 and Team Publicity are having a brawl. Mario eats a mushroom and stomps them all at once.)

I'll get there one day  
(Sierra is chasing Cody, Tyler, Beth, LaShawna and Harold. in the background, B, Sam, Cameron, Beardo and Leonard are making something. The camera zooms in on them as Sierra chases the others away.)

Cause I wanna be famooooooous!  
(Camera zooms into the gym window. Teams Garfield and Friendship are training at the far end, save Garfield, who is floating in a kiddie pool full of cola. Toadette, Toadsworth, Rosalina and the Kongs are warming up at the sideline. Nearer the window, Mike, Dakota, Jo and Zoey are playing basketball against the Nermal brothers and the Wide brothers. Mike gets the ball and turns into Svetlana, who jumps into the hoop. Dakota gets mad and turns into her monster form and pulls Mike out, then dunks the ball while standing behind the three-point line. Max and Scarlett are building a robot in the near sideline. Scarlett sneaks up behind Max and hits hit with a wrench, knocking him out.)

Nanananananana [etc]  
(The entire Total Drama cast is being loaded into a truck by Chef Hatchet and Chris. Ellen, Liz, Squeak and Binky are hiding behind a bush, readying a cannon. next to them is a pile of Pokeballs.)

I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous!  
(Beth does her fire baton routine on the Dock of Shame. She throws it in the air and it becomes night.)

(Short instrumental break)  
( It comes down and it caught by Starlow at the campfire ceremony, between her legs. Wario snatches it and puts it in Waluigi's mouth. he then throws Waluigi at Chris and Chef. Chris catches fire, causing him to drop the marshmallows.)

I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous!  
(Lisa, Wendy O. and Scarlett are death glaring at each other. Toad and Red Toad break them up.)

(Whistling)  
Irma and Herman Post are about to kiss. Petey comes up behind them and hugs them. zoom out to show the cast and a sign reading "Total Crossover Chaos"

Chris stood now in front of the Total Drama Jumbo Jet. "Anyone care for a little creative spark? He tugged a rope somehow dangling from the sky and a familiar jingle was heard.

"Yup, songs and the plane are returning," Chuckled the sadistic host. This was met with groans from the veterans. The second and third generation contestants were slightly put off. "Now get in!"

The contestants all filed into the airplane. Chris stabbed a finger gun into Tyler's back as a sadistic joke. He panicked and ran headlong into the door.

Chris grinned evilly at the contestants. "Today, mes amis, YOU are singing a reprise of Come Fly With Us. Ready?"

(Come Fly With Us)

Lucy: Up!  
Lucy and Izzy: Up!  
Lucy, Izzy, and Sierra: Up!  
Lucy, Izzy, Sierra, and Lindsay: Up!

Harold: Sing!  
Harold and Cody: Sing!  
Harold, Cody, and DJ: Sing!  
Harold, Cody, DJ, and Tyler: Sing!

Heather, Leshawna, Lucy, Starlow, Izzy, Sierra, and Lindsay: We're flying.  
Noah, Harold, Cody, DJ, and Tyler: And singing.  
Snoopy: (Simultaneously) Howwwoooo!

Them: We're flying and we're singing!  
Snoopy: (Simultaneously) Howroooooul!

Sierra and Birdo: Come fly with us!  
Sierra, Birdo, Yoshi and Cody: Come fly with us!

Izzy: We've got a lot 'o  
Izzy and Mario: crazy  
Izzy, Mario and Irma: tunes to bust!  
Izzy: Haha!

Starlow, Nermal bros. and Merine: Come fly with us!

Starlow, Nermal bros. Merine, Princesses, Toadette and Lindsay: Come fly with us!

Snoopy: (Telepathetically) It's a pleasure  
Harold: and an honor  
SMG4: and a must.

Duncan: Dudes, this is messed. You're singing in a plane.

Harold: What did you expect? Chris is freaking insane. Ah!  
Garfield: Yeah, but, guys, you're singing on TV!  
Lucy: Haven't you always wanted to? It can't just be me!

DJ and LeShawna: Come fly with us!

DJ, Bowser Jr. Petey Pirhana and Leshawna: Come fly with us!

Heather: Do you know how to steer this thing!?  
Chef Hatchet: I try.

Buddy Bears: Oh, we are the buddy bears, we always get along!  
Every day we do a little dance and sing a little song!  
If you ever disagree it means you are wrong!  
Oh, we are the Buddy Bears and we always get along!

Ezekiel: They thought they could leave me and depart, but this stow'ay's got winning in his heart!

Team Bowser: Come fly with us!

Linus, Noah, Charlie Brown and Jason Fox: Come die with us!  
Owen: We're flying?! I hate flying! Stop the plane! (gets hit on the head with a frying pan, courtesy of Chris)

Sierra, DJ, Cody, and Heather: Come fly with us! Come sing with us!  
Garfield and Duncan: No!

Chris: Anyone care for a copy of the season six rules? Because in order to escape instant elimination-

Starlow: All present contestants must sing with each prompt!

Arlene: Garfield, do it! Let's go!  
Gwen: Duncan, sing it! Don't go!  
Duncan: Well, I don't wanna go home. But I don't seem to have a choice. Oh well, Courtney won a lawsuit against the show. Who says I couldn't?  
Come fly with us! Come fly with us! Come and fly with us!

Arlene: Garfield, come on! Please?  
Garfield: I'll suuuuuuuuuuuue!  
Everyone: Yeah!

Jon was sitting on the ground watching.

Measwhile, Chris spun a digital wheel with all the contestants' names wired to it.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Chris-** This is the confessional! I'll tell the victims- er, contestants about it later. This is gonna be a skydiving challenge into Lake Wawanakwa! By the way, I'm putting in Bridgette with the Killer Bass because it'll even out the teams, and besides, she's threatening to sue. Everyone is, in fact.

 **END**

It stopped and Kamek showed up on the board, with his face and name. Chris spun it a second time and Krusty showed up.

"Kamek and Krusty, you get parachutes! You gotta use them, but you decide whether it's good or bad," Chris explained. He tossed them parachutes. "Chef, NOW!" he yelled. the plane rolled 90 degrees and everyone was hurled out. Chris gripped the wheel and it turned into a rocket glider of sorts. He quickly zoomed down to join Jon.

"Darn," Jon said, "I left RX-2 in the plane."

Chris shrugged. "Ah, well."

Meanwhile, the robotic weight critic wailed as Bridgette skysurfed on it.

The Buddy Bears had linked arms and looked down to their impending doom.

Garfield was packing his belly into a makeshift raft.

Wade's eyes glazed over as his whole life flashed before them.

Charlie Brown was hanging onto Linus's blanket for dear life.

Linus was holding has hand to his face and sucking his blanket.

Homer begged for Lisa to make the Earth not attack them.

Bart was trying to knock all the other contestants away from the lake with his slingshot.

Marge attempted to use her hair as a cushion.

Jon pulled out a microphone.

"Oh, and Kamek's got the first drop, right in the ring, deploying the chute right as he touches down! Camp Wawanakwa, you have felt a touch of magic!"

Chris yanked it off of him. "In come the Buddy Bears! Friendship is not magic!"

Jon giggled like a schoolgirl. "Take that, cartoons whose adult fans are entirely comprised of creepy 30-year-old men!"

The authors paused the contestants and punched the hosts into the lake. "Greetings, fair readers," Began the shorter one. The taller one continued, "We do not in any way like or support said show-that-cannot-be-spoken-of. In fact, we set a convention on fire the other day, shout out to Izzy!"

Izzy walked up and gave the authors a solid gold bomb.

Chris came up out of the lake. "Hey," he choked between coughs, "Shouldn't she be paused?"

Izzy booted Chris in the head. "Silly Chrissy. The RCMP tried that on me once. You can't hold me still with a little universal remote."

"Whatever." The shorter author unpaused them. Izzy was already swimming in the lake.

The main cluster was coming. A hundred splashes came in short succession, making the lake sound as if a machine gun was being fired into it.

Jon perked up. "The uber-slo-mo cam shows Bowser Jr. has ridden his paintbrush down to make the first full team in!" as a replay of Bowser Jr riding his paintbrush down into the lake making a rainbow-coloured splash, closely followed by Milhouse, riding his inhaler in a similar fashion.

Chris winced at Milhouse's replay.

Bridgette landed safely on the scale, jumping onto land as it began to sink, letting it stay above the water.

Then, Charlie Brown, bringing up the back tethered to Linus, landed on the cliff by Lake Wawanakwa, his friend barely pushing away into the water. His team was all yelling for him to roll off and into the water (for they were getting a tarpaulin for him to land on) but Charlie Brown's muscles had given out entirely. He couldn't even make thoughts any more advanced than Odie's, who had come 16th, with a miraculous moment of unstupidity.

Jon pulled up two more wheels, both non-digital. "The first one," he began, "Is the Wheel of Misfortune, and the more sad-looking one is the Wheel of Epically Failing Loserdom. Bowser, Your team won the challenge, please spin the Wheel of Misfortune."

Bowser slapped across the front of it and set it spinning. It landed on "Fast Food Larder".

Jon handed him a key. "Congratulations, Team Bowser, your fellows will have a roomful of junk food for special nourishment during the show. Don't waste it! in your case, I'm not sure it'll last more than three episodes, though."

Bowser, taking the last remark the wrong way, breathed fire all over the hosts.

Chris, smoldering, groaned, "Charlie (gasp! choke!) Brown, your team came last. Spin the (hack!) other wheel."

He heaved it and it landed on "One Auto-Vote".

Jon, flicking a cinder off his shoulder, choked, "Welp, Brown, (barf!) you will auto(puke!)matically (haaack!) have a vote for (eeeuuurgh!) you in the vote-off."

Charlie Brown gulped and gasped simultaneously, causing his to choke on his own saliva. "I'm toast," he thought.

The authors stood nearby.

"Now," Chris said, "To vote."

The taller author punched them into the lake again. "Nope. Next time. Garfield teams, free lasagna in the gym. Total Drama teams, free marshmallows in the campfire area, Simpsons, Free donuts in the cabins, and you guys, free jawbreaker candy over there." He snapped his fingers and it was so.

"Oh, you are so beautiful and our savior, who are you?" asked all the female players at once.

JUST KIDDING!

"You can call me fan, and that guy over there is Peroxide," The taller, living impersonation of the word "handsome" said.

JUST KIDDING AGAIN!

fan turned to the camera. "Who won't survive the first vote-off? What song will be next? How many chapters will this go for? What friendships and rivalries will arise? Find out next time..."

Peroxide joined fan in saying, "TOTAL! CROSSOVER! CHAOS!"


	2. There'sNoBusiness LikeCollectingBusiness

Luigi jumped onto the Dock of Shame and started blubbing incoherently. The text revealed he was demanding to be let on the show.

The authors looked at each other. fan said, "I guess we're gonna get some serious flak if we leave out good ol-Uigi." He stepped up. "Okay, Luigi. since I like you better than your brother for various reasons, You get a choice of which team I put you on. You can go with your brother, Starlow, SMG4, the Wario Brother, Petey and four Toads, the Princesses, Rosalina, the Kongs, the Yoshi Brothers, Birdo and two toads, or Kamek, Bowser and his kids."

Luigi thought. "Hmmmm..." He considered the options. His co-workers and some other random guys, his girlfriend and a mixed team (and a grandpa), or Bowser and his clan.

Luigi stepped forward. "I am ready to choose my team."

Peroxide presented Luigi with a table containing three cards: one showed Mario's cap on a red background, one showed Peach's crown on a pink background and one showed Bowser's logo on a dark green background. Luigi stepped up to the cards and the table. He turned them upside down (revealing pictures of the heads of Jon and Chris on the back of each), took them and shuffled them and fanned them out to look at them while nobody else could see. He lifted the card at the back high to the heavens and threw it onto the table. Luigi was working for Bowser now.

All the contestants gasped. They were too stunned to do much more than that. Bowser quickly began laughing.

"Now we have an agile teammate, we will be the dominant team all the way to the merge!" he said in English. All the contestants (including Bowser) were once again finding themselves stunned and gasping. RX-2 was nearby. It said (switching between different non-english-speaking-contestant's voices with each word), "That's right. I will translate for contestants like Bowser and Garfield who do not actually speak."

Several contestant couples winced (plus Birdo and Sierra) on that note.

Chris and Jon stepped into the scene. Jon hushed the group while Chris spoke. "awright, su-ntestants," Chris said, "This was the perfect opportunity to introduce the confessionals! The port-a-potty in the Total Drama Camp and the living zones of the Mario and Simpsons casts you will see soon, as well as the storage closet out the side of the Garfield Room Gym are all Confessionals!"

Jon introduced the next challenge. "Today, vic-testants, you will be in the forest, collecting star coins. There are 43 in there in total. The first team to find three and place them in the stash (he pointed to a group of dumpsters) will get a prize. The last team to do so will be sending a man home."

Jon led the group to the dumpsters. He listed them one by one. "The logos on the dumpsters will also be the official team logo! Team Garfield, You get the dumpster with the logo of Garfield's head. Team Nermal, you get the one with the logo of Nermal's head. Team Friendship, You get the lame one with a rainbow symbol. Killer Bass, you get the one with the bass, and the Screaming Gophers get the one with the frightened rodent. Toxic Rats, you get the green rat logo! Team 64, you get the one with Mario's cap, Team Royal gets the one with the crown and Team Bowser gets the one with the dark green Bowser's-face logo! Team Golden Donut, you get the yellow donut logo, Team Springfield Elementary gets the dumpster with the school logo and Team Publicity gets the one with the microphone! And Those Guys get the one with the logo pattern of Charlie Brown's shirt."

After that mouthful, he injected himself with an unidentified substance and instantly perked up. "Teams, line up in front of your respective dumpsters..."

They assumed positions at their dumpsters. Bowser was carrying his and the Toxic Rats were putting wheels into theirs.

Jon fired a machine gun into the air to signal the 'go'.

* * *

Bowser was attempting to balance his dumpster on a stone in a river so he could cross and retrieve a star coin in a bush Kamek had found with a dowsing spell. Luigi beat Bowser to the punch and raced across the lake. He skidded past the bush and fell down, but not before dislodging the coin so Kamek could pull it over with a telekinesis spell. Bowser righted the dumpster and Kamek placed the Star Coin into it, as Luigi and the Koopalings split off from Bowser, Bowser Jr. and Kamek.

* * *

Rosalina was guiding the Princesses, Toadsworth and Toadette through the forest at a breakneck pace. She summoned three Lumas to find a Star Coin each and bring it to her.

Luigi was running in the forest. A bear had taken the Koopalings and he was not about to join them. on his way he saw Team 64 trying to form a tower so Mario could get a Star Coin stuck in a tree. Mario looked round. "Luigi my brother, a little help here?"

Luigi hopped up onto a branch and dived at the Star Coin.

Mario smiled. "Now, toss it here, bro."

Luigi held it away from his older twin. "No."

Mario was shocked. "No?"

Luigi jumped up to a higher branch. "I'm sick of your mistreatment. Remember the times when I won tennis tournaments, and you would grind your foot into mine?"

Mario jumped up at Luigi but failed, lost his footing and landed in a bush.

"Face it big bro, I'm superior." Luigi climbed higher up to the canopy. The same bear that was in possession of the Koopalings was going their way. Luigi heard wailing noises coming from down below. He poked his head down and saw the bear burping contently, and no sign of Team 64. Bowser and Kamek invisibly walked up to Luigi and he handed over the coin. They ran off. The bear had seen Luigi and was scratching up the tree. The bear decided he should be going for a running start to try and climb the tree. Something pushed Luigi and he fell. He turned and saw a red shape up above the trees. He planted his feet onto the tree and controlled his fall. Determined, he tried to run back up, but he just couldn't get a grip and he kept going towards the bear. Then it all went black.

* * *

Rosalina and Bowser were fighting over a Star Coin. They tugged and tugged, but they were perfectly even. Kamek cast a lightning bolt at the coin to try and electrocute Rosalina, but it reflected and set him alight and he sailed through the air, and off a cliff. Bowser, stunned, had the Star Coin yanked away by Rosalina. Her Lumas returned with three Star coins and Rosalina sent them to put them in the Team Royal dumpster. She tossed hers over to Bowser and took the both of them to the dumpsters on a star. They arrived and Rosalina found the Lumas hovering over the dumpster with the Star Coins. Rosalina got an idea. "Lumas, place them in right as Bowser puts in his." They did so and the two were showered with balloons.

* * *

Charlie Brown was charging through the forest with three Star Coins in hand. Izzy was chasing him with a rocket launcher. She had already vanquished the rest of Those Guys, and was now hunting the leader. He put all his energy into a final sprint as he threw the Star Coins into the team dumpster, just as a rocket just missed him and the shockwave sent him into orbit.

* * *

The Yoshi Brothers and Diddy were speeding through the forest on Donkey Kong, having found their last Star Coin. Yoshi and Douglas had attached their tongues to the team's stash, Hansel-and-Gretel style, and were trying to pull it to them to minimize running time. a giant rock was crushing all the trees behind them. Diddy used his jetpack just before a huge oak squished his teammates. He dropped his coins into the stash only to find Izzy had taken the other two. Diddy shot his peanut popguns at Izzy and Izzy shot a rocket at Diddy and when he peanuts and the rocket connected, the resulting explosion knocked aside a few dumpsters and completely destroyed Those Guys' and Team Golden Donut's.

A blackened Toadsworth said to the space where his granddaughter used to occupy moments before, "See, sweetie. This is why you need to sit out."

* * *

Cut to Jon and Chris. Jon bore a basket of 1-UP Mushrooms. Chris announced, "Alright, since most of the contestants perished in this challenge and we want to have as many paychecks possible this season, we shall now apply 1-UPs to their mangled remains to prevent premature ejection." Jon did so and the dead participants awoke- Team Royal, Team 64, Team Bowser, every single one deprived of life all revived.

Jon yelled, "OKAY, BOWSER AND ROSALINA, YOU HAVE TIED AND WON THE CHALLENGE FOR YOUR RESPECTIVE TEAMS, PLEASE SPIN THE WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE FOR YOUR PRIZES."

Bowser and Rosalina took turns to spin the wheel. Rosalina got Fire Flower and Bowser got Have Your Say.

Jon explained. "Team Royal, in the next challenge you will have a Fire Flower powerup for one of your team to use to help your team and harm others. Team Bowser, you may have ONE VOTE in each of the vote-offs happening tonight. You all have three hours to do stuff before the vote ceremonies tonight, but Those Guys and Golden Donut, you must still remain for a few minutes."

Jon explained to them how, for this time only, they will both have the same punishment for losing.

Jon motioned for them to spin the Wheel of Epically Failing Loserdom. Charlie Brown and Homer spun the wheel together and came up with Choose a Traitor.

Chris flicked through a rulebook and explained, "You will each send one of your players to a random team instead of sending him or her home. Seeya at the Restaurant Potluck, Golden Donuts, and see you guys at the Free Candy Day Shop.

* * *

Later, in the free time period...

Heather was trying to lure in henchmen. She had left notes on each bed in her team cabins and asked for an alliance, promising they would get to the merge under her leadership.

She groaned and yanked her small ponytail as she thought about a lost love that she didn't want to admit. But Alejandro and her were perfect together. Deep down she knew they had feelings for each other, but she would never stoop to love on this show. Not with a known villain. He could take advantage and stab her right in the back. It had happened to Bridgette, Courtney and LeShawna, and she was not gonna be next. She was single and will be that way until she's too old to be eligible for Total Drama, for only then would she not have to worry about PTSD when falling in love.

* * *

Team Bowser were trying to decide on who to vote for in the vote-offs tonight.

Wendy scoffed. "It's obvious who we should vote off: Lisa! She's a threat to our team, and besides, I wanna be 'the' chick on this show. As for Those Guys, I say Kirby. Who wants to get eaten by that... _thing?_ "

Roy grunted. "You people are blind? We must boot Carl and Peter!" He said with an Austrian accent, "They are obvious threats to our strength!"

Morton Jr backed him up. "I agree with Roy. We gotta boot the strong ones so we can crush the smart ones."

"Like the sissies they are!" Added Roy.

"Ohhhhh, my head," Ludwig groaned, adopting more of a German accent, "It is true vee haf zee strengtz adfantage, but vat if zee smart boys manage to build somethink shtronger than US?! Vee need to booten sie das off Lisa und Jason!"

"Can it, wightbulb head!" Bowser Jr. said. "I say we just kick Fwanders and Chawie Bwown. They are weal sucky, so if we take a wisk and twy and give another team a tewwible pwayer while weaving the owiginal team wopsided, it WILL pay off!"

Iggy sweated heavily and punched the camera in a bout of technophobia, so the rest of the conversation went in the dark.

* * *

Heather looked at the Alliance turnout. "Lindsay, Beth, Sierra and Izzy, hmmm? I can work with this."

Izzy interrupted. "Can Mr. Boomy join, too?" She pointed to her rocket launcher.

Heather smiled in a way that can just barely be called innocent. "Sure," she said, "There's room for the whole family..."

* * *

Later, at the Donut Shop...

Chris sighed deeply. "Welcome to the first Restaurant Potluck! All those surviving another day get a randomly flavoured donut. The one who gets a donut with paper inside shall have to go to the team stated on the paper."

He pulled up a small cauldron-like pot. "The people who are safe and their respective donut flavours are..." He tossed each player a donut as he called their name. "Homer, pie flavour! Marge, wonton flavour! Bart, brussel sprout flavour! Kent Brockman, transmission fluid flavour! Lenny, ice cream flavour! Quimby, hot dog flavour!

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Carl, pink flavour and Mr. Burns, cookie dough flavour! Lisa, Ned, these are the final two donuts. Whoever gets the one with paper inside has to go to the team shown on the paper.

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Lisa, bacon flavour! So Ned, you get the paper-stuffed donut!"

Lisa caught hers and dangled it by two fingers. "Ew, those poor pigs, killed just for gourmet donuts?" Homer snatched Carl and Lisa's donuts. Chris chuckled. "You think we'd waste real bacon on you campers?"

Ned split his donut in half. "Well, diddily-dang, I feel like Jesus at the Last-iddily Supper."

Homer mumbled through a mouthful of donut, "Shut up, creepy religious Flanders!"

Marge, looking up from nursing Maggie, shouted, "Homer!"

fan kicked down the door. He looked to the camera and said, "I just wanna say, Ned's opinions do not reflect those of this author. Thank you for your time, and Freckle TV, please don't cut this scene. You guys over in TVland love controversy to rack up the views, don'cha?" He then turned and left as if nothing had happened. Ned pulled out the paper and nibbled at his donut. He swallowed his mouthful and read. "Team Spring-diddily-ingfield Elementary? Well, gosh-diddily-ding-dong-diddily-dang, I get to see my sons in the cabins tonight! Well, diddily-oodily-iddily-iddily-iddily..." He continued and was carried out the door by Chris.

VOTING RECAP

Homer voted for Ned

Marge voted for Quimby

Lisa voted for Mr. Burns

Bart voted for Lisa

Mr. Burns voted for Carl

Kent Brockman voted for Carl

Carl voted for Ned

Lenny voted for Ned

Quimby voted for Mr. Burns

Flanders voted for Mr. Burns

Bowser voted for Ned

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Free Candy Day Shop, Those Guys were waiting for Jon to begin, but, twitching all the while, was eating candy with an empty syringe sticking out of his arm. Somebody said, "You're on the air." Jon choked down a handful of milk duds and flicked the syringe away before pouring some jawbreaker candies into a popcorn box. He looked to the campers. "The people safe tonight will receive a jawbreaker candy. The one who gets a marble will have to change to a different team. The team they are going to is stated at the bottom of this popcorn box. The people safe are... Snoopy, Jason, Bucky, Kirby, Patty, Paige, Peter...

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Linus...

Lucy, Charlie Brown, in this box is one jawbreaker and one marble. The one who gets the marble will go to another team."

Jon tossed an item to each of the remaining campers. They both caught it and slowly put it to their lips. Charlie Brown fumbled it and it fell on the floor, to be eaten by Snoopy, who seemed content with it. Charlie Brown's heart leaped. If it was the marble, it would go to the vet rather than his collection, if it was a candy, he was safe, but is sugar okay for dogs? Lucy grinned. "Mmmm-mmm. Delicious." Even Jon looked slightly baffled. he quickly assumed his former position and continued, "Charlie Brown, you have received the marble. you must join the

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Killer Bass."

Charlie Brown was horrified. He was losing all his friends and he was so miserable the camera crew decided to film him going to the Killer Bass boys' cabin. On the way Heather and her alliance ambushed the camera crew and introduced themselves to the world. Izzy pulled Charlie Brown aside to talk to him.

"Charlie Brown, I'm sorry about you having to leave your friends. Wanna be my friend? You can be in our alliance and use Mr. Boomy and..."

Charlie Brown smiled weakly. "Thanks Izzy, but right now I'm not looking for an alliance. But we can be friends."

Izzy hugged Charlie Brown.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Charlie Brown-** Well, Izzy might be a good ally, but she's a little unpredictable. I should be careful around her. To be honest... (a drop of sweat trickles down his shiny bald head) I'm actually a little creeped out by her.

 **Izzy-** Oh, this is so COOL! I've always wanted a friend. Mr. Boomy's more of a colleague.

 **END**

Cut to Jon and Chris at the Dock of Shame. Chris said, "How will Ned, Charlie Brown and Luigi cope with their teams?" Jon said, "Will we ever actually vote a guy off?" fan and Peroxide interjected, saying, "Will you ever find out what Jon is injecting himself with?" Jon looked miffed. Chris continued, "Find out next time on Total! Crossover! Chaos!"


	3. Episode 3: The Ugly Odyssey

fan kicked Donkey Kong in the shin and was promptly smacked across the island, along with the camera guy and an unsuspecting intern.

He landed in Chris's 'cottage' next to a large drum, where Jon, Chris and Peroxide had already arrived. "Worth it," fan winced. Jon pulled up a digital wheel and spun it. It slowed and lit up with the face and name showing of Alejandro. He spun it again and it showed the name and face of Captain Falcon. fan took the wheel behind the cottage and Chris lifted the lid off the drum. He announced, "We are bringing in two new contestants to Total Crossover for a shot at the million dollars! First is the former final two player of Total Drama World Tour, the successor to pretty-man Justin, he is... ALEJANDRO BURROMUERTO!"

Jon continued, "He punctuates his actions with birds, he drives at Mach 2, and he has blown windows out of a church by praying, CAPTAIN FALCON!"

Chris kicked the drum over and out came an Orange Toad and a Springfieldian. The Orange Toad introduced himself. "Hello my fellows, what'sup guys it is ME, Chad Cassidy, co-host of The Amazing Garfield Race, and I am here for you Mario fans out there who have seen the works of fan here."

Pan to fan, who waves.

Pan to the other guy. He began, "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such competition shows as 'The Puppy Bachelor' and 'Total Simpsons Island."

Peroxide sighed. "How shall we get back to the Dock of Shame to greet the new arrivals?"

fan rolled his eyes. "It's obvious, isn't it? Play the go'dang theme song!"

(Theme Song)

(The first six notes of the Mario theme plays and a coin sound is heard) (Mario is breakdancing clothesless on a toilet. SMG4 is facepalming.)

(Musical intro) A spotlight comes out of Odie's mouth. a second comes out of Sam's cap. a camera comes out of Izzy's hair, with a chipmunk on it. a second camera pops out of Homer's head, flinging a peanut out and into the air. Jon claps a clapper and the camera zooms into Camp Wawanakwa, hitting Chris and carrying him on the camera for a few seconds.

Dear Mom and Dad, I'm doin' fine  
(Charlie Brown charges at a football held by Lucy as Linus and Snoopy look on. Lucy pulls it away and Charlie Brown goes flying into the air. The background goes black and suddenly a top-down perspective shows Charlie Brown skydiving into Lake Wawanakwa.)

You guys are on my mind  
(Izzy shows up on top of Charlie Brown. they hit the water and bubbles flow past the camera.)

You asked me what I wanted to be  
(Izzy is riding Owen underwater. He kicks a fish and it flies off the top of the screen.)

And I think the answer is plain to see  
(DJ, Iggy and Dawn are sitting with the animals. Iggy panics and runs at the sight of the camera, DJ is attacked by the animals and Dawn is hit by the fish.)

I wanna be famoooooous!  
(The Yoshi brothers laugh at Iggy panicking, but Yoshi panics and runs himself as Birdo shows up, leaving behind a contract showing Birdo and Yoshi together. In the background Gerald is burning a Mario dummy. Camera pans to Team Bowser discussing strategies. Iggy is still being gnawed by a squirrel.)

I wanna live close to the sun  
(Mr. Burns and Mayor Quimby are violently throwing wads of money at each other as they sit in a raft. It falls off the waterfall and are closely followed by Team Springfield Elementary.)

Well pack your bags 'cause I've already won  
(The Simpsons are eating and the rafts fall behind them. Jason and Bucky swing in on a vine, kicking over the table and hitting the confessional, spilling out Lindsay, Toadsworth and the Princesses.)

Everything to prove nothing in my way  
(Duncan, Gwen, Courtney and Heather are looking at a scroll. Heather is writing on it with a quill. Meanwhile, Team 64 and Team Publicity are having a brawl. Mario eats a mushroom and stomps them all at once.)

I'll get there one day  
(Sierra is chasing Cody, Tyler, Beth, LaShawna and Harold. in the background, B, Sam, Cameron, Beardo and Leonard are making something. The camera zooms in on them as Sierra chases the others away.)

Cause I wanna be famooooooous!  
(Camera zooms into the gym window. Teams Garfield and Friendship are training at the far end, save Garfield, who is floating in a kiddie pool full of cola. Toadette, Toadsworth, Rosalina and the Kongs are warming up at the sideline. Nearer the window, Mike, Dakota, Jo and Zoey are playing basketball against the Nermal brothers and the Wide brothers. Mike gets the ball and turns into Svetlana, who jumps into the hoop. Dakota gets mad and turns into her monster form and pulls Mike out, then dunks the ball while standing behind the three-point line. Max and Scarlett are building a robot in the near sideline. Scarlett sneaks up behind Max and hits hit with a wrench, knocking him out.)

Nanananananana [etc]  
(The entire Total Drama cast is being loaded into a truck by Chef Hatchet and Chris. Ellen, Liz, Squeak and Binky are hiding behind a bush, readying a cannon. next to them is a pile of Pokeballs.)

I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous!  
(Beth does her fire baton routine on the Dock of Shame. She throws it in the air and it becomes night.)

(Short instrumental break)  
( It comes down and it caught by Starlow at the campfire ceremony, between her legs. Wario snatches it and puts it in Waluigi's mouth. he then throws Waluigi at Chris and Chef. Chris catches fire, causing him to drop the marshmallows.)

I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous!  
(Lisa, Wendy O. and Scarlett are death glaring at each other. Toad and Red Toad break them up.)

(Whistling)  
Irma and Herman Post are about to kiss. Petey comes up behind them and hugs them. zoom out to show the cast and a sign reading "Total Crossover Chaos"

The six authorities stood at the Dock of Shame. Chris spotted the boat as it pulled up and introduced the arrivals. "Ladies and gentlemen, Alejandro!"

Alejandro stepped out. He flashed a grin to the camera and saw Heather waiting at the Killer Bass cabin. Alejandro gritted his teeth. He didn't plan on admitting his affection for her any time soon. Heather smirked. "The boy's cabin is in there."

Al turned on the charm. "Where will you sleep, my little _brezo?_ "

"In there," Heather grunted.

They both realized the implications at that moment and gulped together as one.

Chad pulled the unconscious body of Captain Falcon out of the boat. He only wore a helmet and a sock. Chad paused. He blinked himself back to reality and chuckled awkwardly. "Um... imported mushrooms," he said to the camera. Chad, Troy, Al and Captain Falcon scooted to their areas and the camera focused on fan. He pulled out an easel bearing a painting of a rather ugly lady, some of you might know as Picasso's Weeping Woman. fan tipped the easel and smiled. "All of my personal friends out there, get a kick outta ma creation, Weeping Woman lookalike Ugly!"

Ugly walked up.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Peroxide.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Jon.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Chris.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Chad.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Troy.

"YOU ARE UGLY" said RX-2.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Garfield.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Arlene.

"Look at the ugly man, daddy!" said Merine.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Lyman.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Jon's Dad.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Doc Boy.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Garfield's Mom.

"I have a name!" said Sonja.

"Better," said Garfield's Mom, Sonja.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Jon's Grandma.

"Geez you're uncute!" said Nermal.

"Man you're ugly!" said Normal.

"YAAAAAAAAH!" said Wade.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Wide.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Irma.

"Reez you're ugry!" said Odie.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Jon's Mom.

"HEEEEEEY UGLY PERSON!" said Binky.

"You need an ugly shot!" said Liz.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Squeak.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Herman Post.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Ellen.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Bobby Bear.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Billy Bear.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Bertie Bear.

"Geez you're soft!" said Chef Hatchet.

"Geez you're beautiful!" said Cactus Jake.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Floyd.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Penelope.

"RAAAARGH! You are ugly!" said Catzilla.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Harry.

"Geez you're a-ugly!" said Vito.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Eddie Gourmand. "No stars!"

"Geez you're ugly!" said fan.

"Geez you're ugly!" said SMG4.

"Mama mia, you're ugly!" said Mario.

"Geez you're uglier than Mario!" said Gerald.

"Geez you're pretty! You remind me of Mario!" said Sam.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Toad.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Red Toad.

"You're ugly!" said Starlow.

"Are you the banana king?" asked Petey Piranha.

"Waaaagh you're ugly!" said Wario.

"Waa! You're ugly!" said Waluigi.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Peach.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Daisy.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Toadette.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Toadworth. "And that's a danger to the Princess!"

"Geez you're ugly!" said Yoshi.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Douglas.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Birdo.

"Geez you're ugly!" said DK.

"Yeep! Geez you're ugly!" said Diddy Kong.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Bowser.

"Geez you'we ugwy!" said Bowser Jr.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Ludwig von Koopa.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Lemmy Koopa.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Roy Koopa.

"Ahahahahaha, you're ugly!" said Iggy Koopa.

"DADDY! TAKE AWAY THIS UGLY THING!" said Wendy O. Koopa.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Morton Koopa Jr.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Larry Koopa.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Kamek.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Luigi.

"Geez you're ugly!" said fan.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Cody.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Sierra.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Captain Falcon.

"Geez I'm ugly!" said Ugly.

"Izzy thinks: Geez you're ugly!" said Izzy.

"You're so ugly, I wanna blow you up!" said Explosivo.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Jill.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Duncan.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Heather.

"Geez you're ugly. Do I care? heheh, nope" said Alejandro.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Lindsay.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Tyler.

"Geedth you're ugly!" said Beth.

"Geez you're ugly!" said DJ.

"Geez you're ugly!" said LeShawna.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Bridgette.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Harold.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Charlie Brown.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Mike.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Chester.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Svetlana.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Manitoba.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Vito.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Mal.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Owen.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Dakota.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Scott.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Cameron.

"Geez you're sha-ugly!" said Lightning.

"Geez you're ulgy!" said B.

"I don't need to read your aura to find: you're ugly!" said Dawn.

"YOU ARE MY DREAM GIRL." said Sam.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Jo.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Zoey.

"Aaaah! A shuffler!" said Shawn.

"Wow. What a completely normal and average looking woman." said Noah.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Max.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Scarlett.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Amy.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Samey.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Sammy.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Sky.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Jasmine.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Leonard.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Beardo.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Topher.

"Geez you're ugly!" said fan.

"Aaah! You're ugly!" said Homer.

"Do you want some concealer?" asked Marge.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Bart.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Lisa.

"Geez you're ugly!" sucked Maggie.

"My word, you're ugly!" said Mr. Burns.

"This just in: you're ugly!" said Kent Brockman.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Carl.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Lenny.

"Er, ah, geez you're ugly!" said Quimby.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Milhouse.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Martin.

"Haw-haw, you're ugly!" said Nelson.

"As daddy would say, you are a really #$ %?! ugly #$ &?!" said Ralph.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Skinner.

"UGLY! What is the meaning of your ugliness?!" said Superintendent Chalmers.

"Worst. Look. Ever." said Comic Book Guy.

"I don't know if people so ugly can go to heaven." said Rod.

"Even the devil would reject her." said Todd.

"Oh my diddily, you're ugly!" said Ned.

"Hey hey! You're ugly!" said Krusty.

"Duuuuuude you're ugly!" said Otto.

"A-hee-hee, I diagnose you with ugliness!" said Dr. Hibbert.

"Hi everybody. You're ugly!" said Dr. Nick.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Chief Wiggum.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Smithers.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Patty.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Selma.

"¡Ay ay ay, eres muy feo!" said Bumblebee Man.

"Disco Stu says geez you're ugly!" said Disco Stu.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Duffman.

"Geez-o-boyven you're ugly! Oh, gloyven," said Frink.

"Geez you're ugly!" said fan.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Lucy.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Linus.

"Geez you're ugly!" howled Snoopy.

"Yo mama so fricken UGLAY!" said Jason.

"JASON!" Everybody glared at him.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Jason.

"Geez you're one ugly pinky!" said Bucky.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Peppermint Patty.

"AAAAAA! Get the skincream, quick!" wailed Paige.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Peter.

"Geez you're ugly!" said fan.

"Geez you're ugly!" said Kirby.

"Geez you're ugly!" everybody said.

"Wait, who's Jill?" asked fan.

Jill, a Snorlax, jumped onto the Dock of Shame and made a rather large crater.

 **"LET ME INTO THE $%#%#$ &%$ $$*( !$#% # $9001#%&$qw# % CONTEST!"** she bellowed.

okay said fan

"Good," Jill grunted in a rather unfeminine, quite masculine way.

Chris, petrified, choked, "T-t-t-t-t-tooooodayyy's ch-ch-ch-challenge is-is-is a-aw-w-wak-k-kath-th-thon..."

"Today's challenge is an awake-a-thon," RX-2 translated.

Jon, also fearful, stammered, "S-s-so stay awake!"

Jon recovered. He put the new players in teams.

"So, Al is in the Bass-"

 **"I'm not 'AL!'"** he protested.

"Jill is with Team Nermal, Falcon is with Those Guys-"

"We'll have Ugly," said Billy Bear.

"-aaaaand Ugly is with Team Friendship."

Chad tossed an item block to Rosalina. It hovered over her head. A Luma punched the brick and retrieved the red flower that sprouted from it. Rosalina touched it and her dress immediately turned red. She whipped round in surprise and set Petey Piranha on fire.

"Yaaaaaay, banananas!" He yelled randomly.

Troy McClure fired a feather cannon.

"Go" he whispered.

Hour 1

Garfield immediately slept and was handcuffed so he couldn't eat when he awoke.

Jason, Scarlett and Lisa rushed to measure the supplies but all fell asleep from the milk fumes.

Jill frowned. " **THIS IS THE CHALLENGE?! I COULD DO THIS IN MY SLEEP! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"** she said, having a stroke.

"Who's gonna tell her she _can't_ do it in her sleep?" asked Penelope.

"Not me," retorted Ugly.

Jill walked over to a familiar pink-shirted teen in a cowboy hat.

" **AND WHO ARE YOU?!"** Jill demanded.

"I wasn't lucky enough to get into this season," he replied calmly.

" **I SAID, WHO ARE YOU?!"** she repeated.

"My name's Geoff," he said in a tiny voice.

Hour 3

Jon's Grandma was standing arms-crossed as still as a statue. She tipped over backwards. "Eh, why not?" she said as she fell and fell asleep.

Garfield and Homer broke free of the shackles their teams had painstakingly placed them in and ate drumsticks and drank milk and fell asleep.

Hour 4

Jason snored. "Yo mama... so... frickin'..." he mumbled.

" ** _FAYUT!"_** He wailed in his sleep, startling EVERYBODY. Jon facepalmed.

Kirby dozed off and snored. With every inhale, a now-sleeping Doc Boy inched closer to his mouth. Doc Boy went in and Kirby woke and gagged with the farmer boy halfway down his gullet.

Hour 10

Gwen sparked an idea in her brain. She started trotting on the spot.

The Buddy Bears fell asleep.

Jill rolled and fell asleep. fan held a PokeDex to her and it came up with (and read aloud) the following entry:

JILL

SNORLAX (SHINY, RED BACK, WHITE STOMACH)

OGRE WITCH POKEMON

TYPE: FAT/UGLY/FAT/FIRE

JILL IS A RED SNORLAX WITH AN INCREDIBLY THIN TEMPER, LESS THAN THAT OF GUNPOWDER.

NO EVOLUTION RELATIONS.

All awake people in the area giggled like schoolgirls.

Hour 17

Gerald decided to burn a Mario mannequin. The Toad went over and set it alight. Fellow Toad Sam immediately rushed to make out with it. The two fell asleep by the warm spaghetti-scented flames (surprisingly, Gerald fell asleep despite the smell that disgusted him so).

Day 2 Hour 16

Peroxide nudged fan. "Hey, fan."

"Yeah?" fan replied.

"How are we still awake?" Peroxide asked.

fan pulled out a laptop and clicked a key.

"DEVELOPER TOOLS ARE OFFLINE FOR USER: H2otwo," boomed a female voice. Peroxide immediately fell into a deep sleep.

Day... Ah, screw it, who's counting? Day 9001

Mr. Burns and Penelope were the only two left awake.

"Young whippersnapper, how are you still taking this?" asked Mr. Burns.

"Because if you take your eyes off the prize, you lose it all. I can't take seeing it all just slipping away..." Penelope explained.

Mr. Burns frowned. Penelope's stomach imploded with hunger. Her throat burned with thirst. She feebly took a cup and had a drink. She slid down and had a nap.

Troy McClure congratulated Mr. Burns.

"Congratulations, Burns! You get a cookie and you spin the Wheel of Misfortune."

Mr. Burns heaved it a huge one notch. He got '$250,000'.

Jon explained. "You can quit and take a safe 1/4 million, give it to another, or ignore it and keep going for the million."

Mr. Burns laughed. "Obviously, I'll give it to Marjorie, here. Marjorie?"

Marge grinned. "I sure will! Homer, let's go!"

"But money buy beer!" Homer groaned.

"This money buys beer, too." Marge replied.

"But money buy beer _mobile_!" Homer whined.

"Hrmmm," Marge grunted. She walked to Bart. "C'mon, Bartie, let's go!"

Bart laughed uncontrollably.

 **87 MINUTES LATER...**

"...ahahahaNO." Bart finished.

Marge bit her lip. "Lisa?"

"Sorry, mom," Lisa said.

Marge sobbed twice, picked up Maggie and walked to the Dock of Shame, followed by her family. Chris handed Marge a $250,000 check and they saw her off as she got onto the Boat of Losers.

Jon turned to Garfield.

"Garfield, please spin the Wheel of Epically Failing Loserdom."

Garfield spun One Auto-Vote.

"So, you automatically get one extra vote."

"RATS," Garfield grunted.

* * *

Team Garfield sat in their bedroom. "No wonder we lost. Half the team is female. Half the team are animals," Jon's Dad stated.

Garfield, Arlene, Merine and Sonja gasped.

"You are screwed, son." Jon's Grandma snorted.

"Besides, every religion is wrong!"

fan pulled out a Team Dad flag.

* * *

Yoshi ran down the dock and jumped in the river.

"Just 7 minutes?" Birdo called after him.

* * *

"Yo mama so ugly, her face screams on its own!" Jason yelled as he stood on the mess hall roof.

* * *

Jon looked at Team Garfield. "This, as you know, is the b-ball court where most challenges in The Garfield ROOM! Take place, so you'll know the drill: big pencil, paper strips and cash register-looking thing on the table in the corner."

The contestants placed their votes.

Jon placed an extra vote for Garfield.

"This is your Auto-Vote," Jon told him, and fed it into the machine.

* * *

"Welcome to the Lasagna Kitchen!" shouted Jon. "You get a lasagna if you are safe. Vegetarians need not worry."

"The first people safe are...

Arlene, Lyman, Mom, Doc, Grandma...

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Odie! Dad, Garfield, this is the final lasagna. The one who does not get a lasagna will be TERMINATED!"

Nobody screamed. The joke had gotten old.

Jon was miffed. "Oh well. The person safe is...

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GARFIELD!"

Garfield grinned, caught his lasagna and greedily gobbled it up.

"Dad, I'm sorry. You must now go to thhe Dock of Shame, board the Boat of Losers, and until the season ends, you may not come back, ever. Ever. EVER." Jon slapped his dad on the back and he left silently.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Odie-** (He pants)

 **Garfield-** Maaaaan that was CLOSE! I can't live without... lasagna... Man!

 **Odie-** (He pants)

 **Jon's Dad-** Well, I gotta dump. Eeeeeeeeeeeergh. (notices the camera) Hey, what's this thing?

 **Odie-** (He pants and Jon opens the door) **Jon:** C'mon, Odie, I gotta use the potty! (Odie leaves) I'm real sad to see Dad voted off first. It's just sad. I can't even torture him. Now he's at the Playa De Losers- Wait, I think I said too much.

 **END**

Chris and Jon stood on the Dock.

"Who will go next?" asked Jon.

"Who will go big?" asked Chris.

"Who will go nuts?" asked Chad.

Chris: You probably won't find out about that last one next time on TOTAL!

Jon and Chad: CROSSOVER!

Hosts: CHAOS!


	4. Episode 4: The Tax of a Tux

Chris stood at the Dock of Shame. He recapped.

"Last time on Total Crossover Chaos, Mr. Burns and Penelope took it to the hoop in the Awake-a-Thon..." (Cut to Mr. Burns and Penelope standing very still at the campfire area) "...fan seems to be holding an unpopular view..." (Cut to fan waving a Team Dad flag)  
"...And Marge and Mr. Arbuckle were the first two to walk to the Dock of Shame, board the Boat of Losers—  
"—And go to the Playa de Losers 5-star hotel resort!" interjected fan.

Chris frowned. "Who will Jill crush? Who will clown around in the challenge? Who will be dead gorgeous? Or maybe just dead?.. Find out right now on TOTAL! CROSSOVER! CHAOS!"

(Theme)

"Welcome back to Total Crossover Chaos where we will be having our first Garfield-themed challenge! Chef, Chad, Jon, Troy and I will judge at a Formal Attire Display. Needless to say, Jon will have a vastly different score from the rest of us on each ensemble. Chef will be tougher. And, of course, Chad and I will be giving bonus points for sucking up. Troy is going to be the regular judge," Chris said, outlining the challenge.

Chef and the hosts were standing by the Total Drama Jumbo Jet. Jon filled the contestants in. "Okay, each team shall pick a model and dress them up in a suit or dress made by their teammates. After one hour, the models shall walk up the aisle of the plane, and we will be waiting in the cockpit. Each of us will rate your model/clothes combo out of 10. You have 15 minutes to decide on a model and what to dress them in.

Merine squeaked, "Pick me, daddy!"

Garfield chuckled. "Sorry, sweetie. You're so tiny you would have to wear a handkerchief toga."/

Arlene shoved them aside. "I'll do it!" she proclaimed.

Garfield's eyes formed lovehearts. "Please do," he purred.

* * *

Nermal batted his eyelashes. "Obviously, I'll do it. Binky, you should know what kind of clothes Jon dresses in, so you can be my chief dresser. Everybody else, do what he says."

"But-" Normal began, "...aaaww."

Jill sat on Nermal. " **I SHALL BE THE MODEL!** " she boomed.

Wide was worried. "But I'm not sure you would fit in the-"  
Jill swatted him into the ground. " **I SHALL BE THE MODEL! ANY OBJECTIONS?!** "

Nobody dared speak.

* * *

The Buddy Bears were fighting over who should be the model.

"No, you," said Billy./span/p  
"No, no, you, I insist," countered Bertie.  
"No, thank you, you can do it," blushed Bobby.

Ugly sighed. "I'll do it."

The Buddy Bears gasped. They stared at her.  
She stared back.

Bobby started to sweat heavily.  
She softened her stare.  
Billy and Bertie ran away crying, "No! We can't be happy with that! Too ugly! Too ugly!"

Bobby looked at the ground and covered his head. "Okay, okay, you can do it. Just stop looking at me," he said feebly.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Billy and Bertie-**  
 **Billy:** Can she find us in here?  
 **Bertie:** It depends. Does the door lock?  
 **Billy:** (Jiggles the door) NO!  
 **Both:** AAAAAHHH!

 **END**

"I think I'll be the model, hun," LeShawna said, pumping her butt cheeks in Harold's general direction.

"NO!" Heather shouted. "JUDGE appeal means more than HAROLD appeal. WE WILL USE LINDSAY!"

DJ sighed. "I have to agree with Heather on this one."  
LeShawna sighed also. "Only 'cause that white girl got some supermodel curves. If you don't think it'll impress the judges to use a girl with some serious babe-a-licious swag in the trunk, that's fine, I ain't holdin' no grudges on this one."  
"Curves? Babe-a-licious swag in the trunk? Supermodel? AAAAAUUUGH!" Charlie Brown wailed. "WHAT DO THESE ALL MEAN?!"  
Izzy grinned evilly. "Of course you know what those mean!" she said, flashing the child a peek down her top.  
"AAAAAUUUGH!" he screamed, shielding his eyes. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS?!"

"Oh, we are," Izzy said sinisterly, "for now."  
" _I know your big secret_."

 **Confession Cam**

 **Charlie Brown-** See, this is what I mean by she creeps me out. You just never know if she wants to hug you or strangle you at any moment. Once, I went on Total Drama Island and-

 **Izzy-** -I thought he was just a teenage midget. I was-

 **Charlie Brown-** -I have to say, _hell-bent_ on making me confess-

I **zzy-** -He really is a midget. I now forgive him for that, but I'm still gonna be-

 **Charlie Brown-** -Keeping at it. I'd never survive a 130-episode show if she's on my rear the whole time till one of us is eliminated. She's really determined when-

 **Captain Falcon- FALCON INTERRUPTION!**

 **Izzy-** -So, one of these days I WILL get him to fess up about his secret. But not today.

 **Heather-** Secret, eh? Heheheheh. I could exploit this. I could exploit this to get him on my side.

 **DJ-** Remember at the start of Total Drama Island when Chris hit on Lindsay, despite the fact he was almost twice her age? That aside, I had to agree with Heather. Lindsay was our best option.

 **END**

Mike smiled. "I think Zoey would be a good model."

Zoey blushed. "Aww, thanks, Mike."

The rest of the team had a generally positive reaction.

* * *

"I think we should go with Scarlett," Noah monotoned.  
Max hummed in appreciation and rubbed his hands together.  
"And before anyone complains," Noah adds, put yourself in my shoes. A guy with gigantic IQ levels and does not know anyone on the team, seeing a pretty genius."

Nobody attempted to argue.

* * *

Mario smiled. "Can I be the beautiful person?"  
SMG4 twitched his nose. "What if you do something retarded and we lose the challenge and we all vote you off because you did something retarded and cost us the challenge?"  
Mario used a Star powerup.  
SMG4 gulped. "But, uh, it's better a choice than Wario or a Toad!"  
Sam swooned. "I agree!" he mumbled dreamily.  
SMG4 turned to Red Toad. "Hey Toad, what do you think-"  
"I'M NOT TOAD!" Red Toad yelled. "SEE THE VEST?!"

It was true. Unlike most Toads, Toad wore a blue vest, rather than a red one to match the spots on his head.

Red Toad calmed down. "Okay, sorry. You, uh, wanted my opinion?"

* * *

Daisy posed. "What do you think?" she asked the team.  
"I think I should do it, don't you agree, Yoshi?" Birdo asked.  
"I, uh, Rosalina! Who do you think will be a good model?" Yoshi asked, deflecting the attention away from him and Birdo.

Rosalina smiled. "Flattery will not get you far with me," she reminded Yoshi.  
"Um, I know that. I just think you would have a good eye for fashion, and, uh, looks."  
Rosalina tried to hold back a blush. "Well, I think Daisy, actually, would make a good model."

"Nonsense!" Toadsworth wheezed. "Peach is a beautiful woman and she should be the model and if anybody else is the model then her self-esteem will be crushed and crunched and who in their right mind or any mind at all whatsoever would want that?"

Douglas stepped up. "Okay, listen up, who votes Daisy?"

Five hands went up.

"Who votes Peach?"

Toadsworth raised his hand.

"Who votes Birdo?"

Nobody moved a muscle.

"Rosalina took charge. "Alright, I was thinking..."

* * *

Bowser turned to Luigi. "Luigi, you know better than any of us what they would appreciate, who do you think would do well?"

"But, sir-"Kamek began.  
"SHUT UP, Kamek. This is one thing you can't find out with magic," Bowser scolded.  
"Uh, I'm sure Bowser Junior could- could, uh, be, um, pretty charming if- if, he, uh, tried hard enough. Uh, are shells removable?" he said quickly.  
"Yes!" BJ cheered.

* * *

Lisa thought hard. "I think I've got an idea."  
"You heard her, she's got an idea! Lenny, shut up," Homer said.  
"But I'm not-"Lenny began./span/p  
"I said shut it."

Mr. Burns turned on the 'charm'.  
"Maybe I could do it? There's a nice salad in it for you," he said.

Homer stared at him like they were both idiots.

"Lettuce, get it? _Lettuce_?"

Homer stared.

"Green?!"

Homer smiled. "I like green. It's the colour of Marge's dress.

Mr. Burns gritted his false teeth. " _Money_ , Simpson. I'm bribing you to pick me."

Homer smiled and hummed in interest.  
"No, dad! Don't do it!" Lisa warned.  
"Now there's something to make an annoyed grunt about," Homer mumbled.  
"So why don't you?" asked Bart.  
"D'oh!" Homer obliged.

Bart auctioned off the model job. "Okay, Lisa as the model, any counter-offers? Goingoncegoingtwicesold!"

Everyone shuddered at the thought of Burns as a model.

Milhouse grimaced. "I will be the model. Anyone have a problem with that?"  
"Your middle name is Musollini!" Nelson objected.  
"What does that have to do with anything?" Milhouse retorted.

"Haw haw!" Nelson laughed.

* * *

"Hi, everybody!"  
"Hi, Dr. Nick," the team replied.  
"I want to model!"  
"No, silly person, you see, this is not plastic surgery, foolish person. We are looking for a person to be a –GAH-HERVEN-NYOYVEN-BADOYVEN-GHURKEL-A-BA DING DONG- model for our- ga-hoyven- challenge in a manner quite indeed similar- nervin- to a beauty pageant," Frink corrected.

"Can I be _los_ _model_?" Bumblebee Man asked in some sort of Spanglish.  
"A-bee-bee chic. I like it," Dr. Hibbert chuckled.

* * *

"I shall lend my pretty little self to the modelling job," Lucy said egotistically.  
"Bleah!" Linus said.

Lucy slugged him.

"Can I do it?" Peppermint Patty asked.  
"What about me?" Snoopy smiled.  
Kirby walked up to the three and licked them one by one.

"What are you doing? Are you crazy?!" Lucy asked.  
"Wha-? This is a strange way to kiss a girl," Patty said.  
"You too," Snoopy said.

Kirby pointed to Snoopy.

"Isn't there a cliché about this? Sakurai's Character Does Something Important?" Jason asked.

"Hey, super-pinky, do I taste prettyful?" Bucky asked.

Kirby tasted Bucky and immediately started gagging and choking.

* * *

"Okay, since it would make for extremely boring TV to show all the teams preparing the outfits, let's cut to the judging," Chad told the viewers.

* * *

Arlene had been dressed in a very nice simple dress, complete with a blonde wig.

Judges' scores:

Jon: 6  
Chris: 5  
Chef : 3  
Chad: 6  
Troy: 7

Jon gave his opinion. "Okay, it's not bad, but it's not any real standout."

* * *

Jill was dressed very humorously as a clown. The hosts tried in vain not to laugh. Jill pummelled them.

Judges' scores after the pummelling:

Jon: 3  
Chris: 0  
Chef: 0  
Chad: -3  
Troy: 0

Chris facepalmed. "You really thought this would impress anyone other than Jon?" he asked.

* * *

Ugly was in her normal clothes, but she also had a bag over her head and a smiley face drawn on.

Judges' scores:

Jon: 10  
Chris: 10  
Chef: 10  
Chad: 10  
Troy: 10

Chef spoke. "Listen, scrub, you only got a perfect score because you had that bag over your head."

 **Confession Cam**

Chef- And, I must say, it made a major improvement.

 **END**

* * *

Lindsay was in a purple top and medium skirt.

Jon: 7  
Chris: 8  
Chef: 5  
Chad: 6  
Troy: 8

Chad gave his two cents. "Not too bad, I gotta tell ya."

* * *

The judges looked at each other.

Jon sighed. "Drama's gone, I think we have a winner."

Ugly removed the bag from her head.  
"I didn't say you could take that off," Chef grunted menacingly, leaning in close.

Ugly replaced the bag onto her head.

Chris and Jon heaved up the Wheel of Misfortune. Ugly took the bag off and looked at the Wheel. It began spinning. The Wheel soon came to a rest on Triple Vote.

Jon got out his rulebook. "Triple Vote: The contestant who spins this is entitled to two extra votes in the next vote-off that takes place within the contestant's current team. Should the contestant move to another team before his or her current team holds a vote-off, they forfeit their two extra votes to the host of their new team's native series," He read.

"Better not give that to somebody else because they'll vote for you!" Chad added.

Ugly stared at Chad.  
"Sorry," He squeaked.

Chef Hatchet effortlessly brought in the Wheel of Epically Failing Loserdom.

"LISTEN UP SOLDIER!" He hollered at Binky. "YOU HAVE LOST THE CHALLENGE FOR YOUR TEAM AND YOU WILL SPIN THIS WHEEL FOR YOUR TEAM!"

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY DRILL SERGEANT!" Binky wailed. "I DON'T DO WHEELS, I'M A CLOWN, NOT A MECHANIC!"  
"I SAID NOW YOU RAINBOW HUGGER!" Chef screamed, having a stroke.

Binky spun the Wheel. It landed on Privileged Vote Cancel.

Chef pulled out a relatively tiny book.  
"LISTEN UP SOLDIER!" Chef raged.  
Binky followed with him as he read.  
"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!"  
"I have the right to remain funny."  
"ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE HELD AGAINST YOU IN THE COURT OF LAW!"  
"Anything I say can and will be recorded in the Clown Hall of Fame."  
"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY!"  
"I have the right to a squirting flower."  
"IF YOU CAN NOT AFFORD ONE, ONE WILL BE PROVIDED FOR YOU BY THE COURT!"  
"If I can not afford one, one will be provided according to my skill in clowning."  
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR RIGHTS AS THEY HAVE BEEN READ TO YOU, SOLDIER?!"  
"I sure do."

Chris blinked, slightly taken aback. "...Are you sure you're reading the right book, Chef?" He asked.

Chef tossed the book aside and pulled out a second.  
"Right. Guess what, Binky boy. You get to choose who does NOT get two votes tonight. Also, you don't get two votes either."

Binky was a sad little clown.

Binky looked round at his options. Jill snorted and spat a fireball to the side.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY SNORLAX!" Binky wailed. "I'M PICKING YOU!"

Jill sat on him.

The song tone rang.

Chris grinned. "Get to singing, folks! How 'bout 'I'm a Little Teapot?'" He was clearly enjoying this.

Five shotguns clicked.

"Orrrrrr how about the lyrics to the Charlie Chaplin theme?"

Nobody said a word.

"Good!" Chris exclaimed. "You all are safe!"

 **Begineth the free time...**

Toad sat vestless in a pond. Enter Starlow.

"Skinny dipping I see?" She chuckled.

Toad sank into the water, beetroot-faced.

"I don't really mind, though. I don't mind about much."

Luigi slid in, seeing an opportunity for a compliment.  
"However, Luigi, much does not include you."

Luigi just as quickly slid out.

* * *

Toadette spotted a dog that had been put in the forest for lucky campers to have fun with.

"Aaaaaawwwwwwwww, da widdle sweet puppy! Come here!" She squee-d, moving towards it.

The puppy walked away.  
Toadette power-walked in its direction.  
"Come on, I won't hurt you, come here," She coaxed.  
The dog began to run.  
"Get back here! I just want to cuddle you!" She called, chasing after it.  
The dog charged full speed towards the campgrounds.  
"Come back, you little frick! I'm not a bear! You're adopted! Now come back!" She growled.  
The dog ran past Chris's trailer.  
"YOU STUPID LITTLE FAILURE GET BACK HERE OR I'LL STAB YOU WITH A STRAW AND DRINK YOU LIKE A STRAWBERRY THICKSHAKE!" She screamed, catching up to it.

Chris put the producer on hold and began to dial 911.

* * *

Jon attempted to brag to the people in the mess hall.  
"So any of you guys seen the boulder scene in Diana Jon? I was the stunt double! Our intern JB is reenacting it right now with Jill!"

The fat lump of lard rolled up to the mess hall with a crumpled Hello My Name Is tag stuck to her.

Jon quickly peeled it off, poured gasoline on it, burnt it with a flamethrower, ripped up the little bits left and shoved them into Jill's stomach fat.

"I think he's dead," noted Arlene.  
"Hallelujah!" proclaimed fan.

 **Later, at the Garfield Gym's Elimination Room...**

Nermal stared at Binky.  
Normal stared at Binky.  
Wade screamed at Binky.  
Wide stared at Binky.  
Jon applauded at Binky.  
Irma stared at Binky.  
Liz stared at Binky.  
Squeak stared at Binky.  
Jill stared at Binky, who was currently underneath her.  
Herman Post stared at Binky.  
Ellen gave the most withering stare of all.

Jon slowly stopped clapping. "Binky, do you know what you did wrong?"  
"I plied my trade," he replied.

Quoth Jon: "Yes, but the key point is you did it BEFORE the merge. That means you HELP your TEAM MATES and not dress them as one of-"

Jon proceeds to have a shuddering fit.

Enter fan, he drags Jon into the toilet stalls.

*FLUSH!* *FLUSH!* *FLUSH!*

Return Jon and fan. Jon's face is soaked.

"See, the difference between me and Jon," fan explained, "Is I am too far off the deep end to be scared by horrific flashbacks."

"What's that sound of shotguns and cartoon characters screaming?" Squeak asked.

"Oh, right," fan said, holding up his jPod, "My calming tunes."

Cue Nermal backing away slowly.

"Don't worry, people hate you guys for not being funny, rather than-"

fan proceeds to have a shuddering fit.

Jon continues, spitting between words and brushing his hair out of his face constantly.

"Okay... *pttthh* we shall... *hoch-too* we shall get on with the *huck-huck-ppth* vo- *cough cough* the- the vote. *Achoo*"

Jon pulled up a familiar cash-register-looking device and some slips of paper, on an antique-looking metal table.

"We all know who you'll vote for so I already used one of each of your votes for Binky," Jon mentioned, handing out pencils.

 **Later again...**

"Okay, Losermeisters," Jon began, "At this point counting the votes is just a... a... what's the word?" He asked.

" **JUST HURRY UP AND READ THE VOTES!** " Jill blared.

Jon took the votes and read them.  
"This was a pretty close one, actually. In the meanwhiles, help yourselves to lasagna. I'll read the votes individually. One for Binky...  
One for Jill...  
Two for Binky...  
Two for Jill...  
Three for Binky...  
Three for Jill...  
Four for Binky...  
Four for Jill...  
Five for Binky...  
Five for Jill...  
Six for Binky...  
Six for Jill...  
Seven for Binky...  
Seven for Jill...  
Eight for Binky...  
Eight for Jill...  
Nine for Binky...  
Nine for Jill...  
Binky, Jill, this is the voting slip of the last player on your team, which has two votes for the same person. The person who's going home is..."

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"...We have ten votes for..."

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"BINKY THE CLOWN!"

Binky's hair drooped. "Really, Jon?"  
"Sorry, Binks, but you have to go now."

Binky walked over to the Dock of Shame and boarded the Boat of Losers. The others did not even bother to leave the gym.

 **Vote Reveal**

Jon sat in a building resembling a bar. He sipped a can of Puke-Fizz.  
"This soda sucks," he mumbled, tossing it aside. "Okay, viewers, waiting to see who used both votes on Binky? Let's find out!"

"STOP!" Squeak squeaked.

"What?" Jon asked.

"I sold my second vote to Jill," Squeak sighed.

"Why? And what did you get out of it?"

Squeak looked around. "I was sort of... bullied into selling." Squeak goes pale. "I'll never look at Garfield's stomach the same way again," he wheezed.

"Stuffed into her stomach fat, I presume."

"You don't say."  
"As for what you got, if anything?"

Outside, Garfield yelled, "HOLY MOTHER OF PASTA, LOOK AT ALL THIS BUTTER!"

"...Nothing, in about three seconds," Squeak stated.  
"Probably unsanitary anyway," Jon eyerolled.  
"Not that that's a concern!" Chris chuckled, walking in.

Jon cracked open another can of Puke-Fizz.

"Okay, seeya later on Total Crossover whatever yadda yadda yadda cut print that's a wrap guys let's take a break," Jon blurted, followed by him gulping down his can of Puke-Fizz.


	5. Episode 5: Cpt Jon of the SS Deck Chair

Chris stood on the Dock of Shame. "Last time, on Total Crossover Chaos," he began, "I've decided to be generous and cut the songs from the mix..."

Cut to various contestants aiming shotguns at Chris.

"...Chef Hatchet had a slight mishap with the rulebook..."

Cut to Chef Hatchet screaming at Binky, "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!" Binky's hair flapped at the gale from Chef's lungs.

"...And the police are going to come and collect Toadette for intent of animal abuse!"

Cut to Chris on the phone with the producer in his trailer. Outside, Toadette yells, "...STAB YOU WITH A STRAW AND DRINK YOU..." as she runs by, chasing a dog. Chris looks stunned for a moment. He says to the producer, "Hang on, I'll call you back," and puts him on hold.

Cut back to Chris walking along the beach. "Now, Jon isn't going to be back for awhile, as he drifted out to sea on a deck chair! Check out our deleted scenes for that video!" He pulled a remote out of his pocket. An intern wheeled a TV over. "Now I've sent our ever-immortal intern JB after him, and we're just about to check on him with the GroPoCam!"  
Chris turned the TV on. The ocean floor was all that could be seen on the screen.

"I think he's dead," observed Arlene.  
"Hallelujah!" proclamed fan.

Chef Hatchet walked in, with a catcher's mask.  
"The next challenge," Chris announced, "Is a Home Run Derby! The teams each select ONE person to compete. Each player will have ten pitches thrown to them by Chef. The team with the most home runs after ten pitches wins. In the event there is a tie, Each player involved in the tie is pitched to until they make ONE hit. The team whose representative hits the farthest is the winner! The one that hits the least distance is the LOSER, and may consider themself voted off the moment the ball hits Chad's mitt!"  
The teams broke into huddles.

* * *

 **Team Nermal**

Nermal stood with his team around him. "I think we should put in my brother," he suggested.  
"Nope," said Jill.

* * *

 **Team Royal**  
"I'll do it," said Princess Peach.  
"Not a chance!" said Toadsworth, "Do you know how much I freaked out last time you played baseball?!"  
"You didn't have to join the team," Peach sighed.  
Diddy Kong pointed to himself.  
"Actually, Diddy's probably our best bet," said Daisy.  
"Then it's settled," said Toadsworth.

* * *

 **Toxic Rats**  
Cameron shoved his way into the middle. "I'll do it!" he shouted.  
Suddenly, a cloud of gas appeared.  
Owen chuckled nervously. "Sorry, I was sleep-eating and there was only beans..." he explained.  
The rest of the team fainted.  
"Looks like I'm doing it then," Owen said to himself.

* * *

 **Team Golden Donut**  
"Lisa, who do we pick?" Homer asked, mouthing "Pick Homer" to his daughter.  
Lisa rolled her eyes. She pulled out a pen and a notepad. "I've collected batting stats from all of you during my days in Springfield and the one with the best on-base plus slugging percentage is-"  
Mr Burns interrupted Lisa with a wad of cash.  
"I think I still have a few hits left in me," Burns told Lisa.  
Lisa shoved the bills away. "I don't want your dirty money, old man," she said.  
Homer stifled a gasp and his eyeball popped out of his socket. He pushed it back in.  
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he mumbled to both himself and the child genius.  
Lisa went back to the pad. "As I was saying, our best choice is Bart."  
"Hell yeah!" Bart exclaimed, jumping and punching the sky.

* * *

 **Those Guys**  
Peppermint Patty and Lucy were grabbing at each other. Each had their left hand grabbing at the other's collar. Each had their right hand grabbing at the other's left.  
"Good grief!" Linus sighed."Isn't it obvious who's the best choice to bat?" he asked.  
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Bucky, Captain Falcon and the Fox siblings chanted, drowning Linus own.  
Lucy gained control and forced Patty to the ground.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Linus wailed.

* * *

 **Killer Bass**  
"Suddenly, I feel confident for once," Charlie Brown said, "As if this challenge was going to be a certain success for us."  
"Then you can bat for us, in that case!" said Heather.  
Cody tried to interject.  
Heather put her hand over his mouth.

* * *

 **BEGIN DERBY - Team Friendship**  
Penelope stepped up to the plate. She licked her palms and gripped the bat. As if she was a cat possessed, after four misses in a row, she came back with a deep rage and whacked the next three out of the park, and scored home runs with the last three also.  
She ran back, congratulated by her teammates as she entered the dugout.

* * *

 **Team Nermal**  
Jill waddled over to the plate. Chef threw a pitch. It bounced off of Jill's stomach fat. Chef threw another pitch. It bounced again. This continued until ten baseballs were trapped under Jill's weight, attracted to her by her immense gravitational pull.  
The team refrained from patting her on the back out of fear for their lives.

* * *

 **Team Garfield**  
Grandma Arbuckle walked up to the batter's rectangle. She spat out her gum and taped her bat. Time after time, Chef would pitch. Time after time, Grandma would connect with the ball and send it to the top chairs in the stadium, if not right over them. On the tenth hit, she swung so hard her bat shattered into splinters at the top half.

"Nuts," remarked Jon, "That's coming out of the lasagna fund, Garfield's gonna shred me."

* * *

 **Team 64**  
DK walked up to the plate. The Toad host offered him a bat. DK swatted it away and instead pulled on a boxing glove. This turned out to be a bad thing, as the comparatively small surface area of the glove caused him to miss eight of the pitches.  
"WAAt do you think of that?" Waluigi asked Wario.  
"At least we're probably safe," Wario said, shrugging.

* * *

 **Team Royal**  
Diddy Kong bolted to the plate, doing a frontflip as he picked up the bat. His hyperactivity was beneficial, as although he missed the first three and the next two barely made it to the outfield, he knocked the second half of the pitches into the bleachers.

* * *

 **Team Bowser**  
"Next batter!" Chris yelled. Bowser shoved Luigi out to the plate. Luigi picked up the bat. Petrified with fear, he kept his eyes closed for the entirety of his at-bat. Despite this, he hit three balls to the front row of seats.

* * *

 **Killer Bass**  
Charlie Brown got up to bat. Trembling out of nervousness, he forgot to even swing at the first pitch. Chef threw another pitch. Charlie Brown missed. Chef threw another pitch. Charlie Brown missed.

By the eighth pitch, most of his teammates were practically going bald from all the hair they were pulling out. Charlie Brown soon got in the zone, and hit the ninth pitch... It didn't clear the pitcher's mound.

The Killer Bass wailed in anguish.

Most of them.

Heather was simply waiting for the last pitch. She knew that Charlie Brown was weak. Not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally.  
If she could blackmail Charlie Brown into joining her alliance, then she could extort him and bent him to her will, promise safe passage past the point where the teams dissolve, all the while whittling down the numbers of the non-alliance members.  
With the sheer number of episodes that would be required with such an amount of contestants, she wouldn't even need to throw challenges until late in the team-playing segment of the season.  
She knew that some of the Bass were merciful. She knew at least one of them would refuse to vote for Charlie Brown.  
With that, she would be able to send an alliance member to convince the other person to vote in accordance with Heather's wishes.

Who did she want out?

Alejandro, of course.  
Some men would see the world burn just to rid his house of a cockroach.

And if a tie vote meant both Alejandro and Charlie Brown were out? All the better for her. At the end of the day, it's a net gain.

Izzy wasn't in anguish either.

Why?

She's crazy, that's why.

Chef wound up the last pitch. Most of the Killer Bass pre-emptively stomped on something in frustration. Charlie Brown wound up the last swing...  
And hit the ball.  
It was a low-angle hit and the for a moment it stood still on top of the outfield wall as it went over, but it went over nonetheless, nevertheless.  
The Killer Bass all stopped. The Bass just might not lose.

Naturally, this enraged Heather while everyone else proceeded to cheer and high-five Charlie Brown as he walked to the locker rooms.

* * *

fan and Peroxide were eating hot dogs in the seats directly behind the plate.  
"fan?" Peroxide asked.  
"What?" fan replied.  
"How did this stadium get to the island?"  
" _Machina ex machina,_ " fan explained, "this early in the season, the budget's still bigger than the federal reserve of Italy, so they built a stadium under the island that rises up with the press of a button."  
"Thanks for the exposition."  
"Not a problem."

* * *

 **Toxic Rats**

Owen walked up to the plate. He hit one homer.

* * *

 **Team Golden Donut** (For some reason coming up to bat really early)

Bart walked up to the plate. He hit one at Homer. Homer was outside of the stadium, between the foul lines.

* * *

 **Screaming Gophers**

"Next!" Chris called.  
"Uh, we're still deciding," said Shawn.  
"Well, Noah's the closest to the plate, so he's batting!" Chris proclaimed.  
"What?" Shawn enquired.  
"What?" the Gophers enquired.  
"What?" Noah enquired, looking up from his book.  
"You heard me," said Chris, "Noah's batting. Now, since you took too long, I'm gonna have Chef swap out for a pitching machine."

Noah wiped the sweat off his forehead, thankful that the pitches were going to at least be of consistent speed and height.  
Chris continued, however: "That shoots ten balls at once!"

Noah sank down in his seat.  
Chris dragged him to the plate and forced a bat into his hands.  
The pitching machine fired the balls.  
Noah blindly swung. He knocked one just over the wall, by pure accident.

* * *

 **Team Springfield Elementary**

Nelson cracked his knuckles. He moved towards the plate.  
Troy McClure blocked his path.  
"Somebody's already up to bat, kid," Troy told Nelson.

 **Meanwhile, at the plate...**  
"Daddy, I'm a brick!" said Ralph.

"Your son, _chief_ ," Patty said to Chief Wiggum, as they sat in the dugout.

Ralph stood at the plate, not moving, not holding the bat. Nine pitches sailed right by him. He hummed a tune.

"Haw-haw," Nelson said half-heartedly, pointing at himself.

Chef tripped on the last pitch, however, and sent one at full power towards Ralph's head. At that moment, it bounced off the special one's skull and a spontaneous hurricane carried the ball out of the stadium and all the way to Argentina.

Everybody was speechless.

"My son, _citizen_ ," Chief Wiggum said to Patty.

* * *

 **Team Publicity**

Professor Frink stumbled onto the field.  
"You?" Chris asked, and began to laugh.  
"No, foolish person," Frink replied, "Standing in my place is a Ro-bot I call the BAT-O-MATIC 900X to swing for me, with the twisting, and the whack, and the ball going so far it leaves the land."  
Frink pulled up a mechanical arm with a baseball bat attached. It hit all ten pitches with perfect accuracy, each one probably landing somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.

The rest of the team carried the mechanical arm off the field, chanting "Bat-o-Matic! Bat-o-Matic!" leaving Frink in the dust.

* * *

Jon floated somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. Suddenly, a hail of baseballs came down on him, causing enough splashing to overturn the deck chair. One even punched a hole in it. Upon diving down after (and saving) his only ticket to survival, Jon broke off the damaged part off the deck chair and continued on his way to Eurasiafrica, with a smaller raft.

* * *

 **Those Guys**

Lucy dragged her bat out to the batting area.  
"Lousy stupid Peppermint Patty," she mumbled to herself, "I'll show her. I'll throw the challenge."

Lucy did just that. She stood and let all the pitches sail by her.

Chris walked over to her.

"Why didn't you swing?" Chris asked

Lucy began to explain. "Well, you see, I was distracted by the apparition of Jon's guardian angel. As you know, Jon's life is in jeopardy due to the fact that he is currently crossing the Atlantic on a deck chair with no supplies. Anyway, the angel told me that Jon is going to survive the trip, and that he's going to wash ashore on the west coast of-"  
"Alright, kid, tell you what, Chef'll pitch it to ya till you hit one. How's that sound?" Chris offered, cutting Lucy off.  
"Okay then," Lucy mumbled. She held her bat out and attempted to bunt the next pitch. Worth it? Nope. Did Lucy realize that is wasn't? Nope.

Fortunately for her, she pulled the bat around too late and accidentally hit a home run.  
Her team charged out to congratulate her.  
"How'd you do it?" Patty asked, "How'd you bunt a home run?"  
"The sun was in my eyes," said Lucy.

* * *

 **Final Scores**  
Team Garfield: 10  
Team Nermal: 10  
Team Friendship: 6  
Team 64: 2  
Team Royal: 5  
Team Bowser: 3  
Killer Bass: 1  
Toxic Rats: 1  
Screaming Gophers: 1  
Team Golden Donut: 1  
Team Springfield Elementary: 1  
Team Publicity: 10  
Those Guys: 1

* * *

Chad Cassidy and Troy McClure herded in the contestants.  
"What we're going to do now," Chris explained, "Is a distance hitting competition. I've explained it already. Team Publicity's Bat-o-Matic versus Team Nermal's Jill versus Team Garfield's Grandma!"

Frink fumbled with a calculator. "I'm going to have to *Hoyven* concede this one. I've only rigged the Bat-o-Matic to hit ten pitches."

Chris looked at the other two Home Run Derby finalists. A bodybuilding grandma versus pretty much just a ball of fat. The former's captain stood menacingly over that of the latter.

"Yunno, I'm beginning to think you don't like me," said Nermal to Garfield.

No contest, needs more drama.

At least that's what Chris decided.

* * *

 **Confession Cam**

 **Chris-** There are too many teams that scored a one, so this is for all the marbles. Winner of the distance hitting contest gets a reward. Loser of it gets to let somebody go.

 **END**

* * *

"Okay then," Chris yelled, "I'm going to roll this ten-sided die. Each team captain pick a number, except for Garfield, Nermal, and the equal council of leadership that is the entirety of Team Publicity."  
Each captain picked.

As a team, Those Guys had picked 7. That was the number that was rolled.  
Chris gave a thumbs up. "Third chance for Those Guys!" he exclaimed.  
Chef Hatchet pulled over a Top-3 podium.

* * *

 **BEGIN DISTANCE-HITTING CONTEST - Team Garfield**

Grandma was on her way to the plate when she tripped over. She decided to do some push-ups while she was down there.

The ball sailed right over her head.

Luckily, Chad missed the catch and it hit the backstop. It rolled just past home base.  
"That counts," Chris decided.

* * *

 **Team Nermal**

Chef wound up and pitched. The ball disappeared into Jill's sinkhole of a stomach.  
"That counts as a zero," said Chris.

* * *

 **Those Guys**  
"Okay, Lucy," said Linus to his sister, "This is going to be the easiest at-bat of your baseball career. All you have to do is hit the ball, Lucy. Here's your bat." Linus handed Lucy a bat.  
Lucy accepted it and walked over to the batting area, stone-faced.

The pitch came.

Lucy threw her arms out in front of her, bat gripped tightly between her hands.

The ball made contact.

It fell straight down.

It clipped home base.

And bounced towards the foul line.

The ball rolled further towards the right side dugout.

It stopped.

On the line.

The team broke into a thunderous cheer.

Linus ran out and tackle hugged Lucy.

Hesitantly, Lucy hugged him back.

* * *

"Booo-ring!" Homer yelled, and threw the remote at the locker room TV, which was showing Total Crossover Chaos live.  
"Dad, that's a genuinely heartwarming moment people have been wanting to happen for nearly 70 years, and the author of Peanuts is dead, so it'll never happen in canon!" Lisa whined.  
"No, honey, this is baseball. We're not using cannons," Homer said condescendingly, and tousled Lisa's hair.  
Lisa grumbled under her breath.

* * *

 **Later that day...**

Luigi sat by the campfire area, whittling a stick into no particular shape. Enter Mario.  
"How's it going, bro?" Mario asked.  
"Bowser treats me better than you ever have," Luigi said, not looking up from his work.  
Mario put his hand on Luigi's back. Luigi put Mario's hand on his blade. Mario put his hand away.  
"Isn't there anything you miss?" Mario inquired.  
"I don't miss having only spaghetti in the house and I don't miss you eating any and all spaghetti you see." Luigi responded.  
Mario got up and left, staring at his feet as he walked away.

* * *

Toadette was in the forest when spotted the dog she was chasing the previous episode.  
She gave chase.  
The dog ran into a clearing.  
A small army of cops was waiting.  
They gave chase.  
Toadette pulled out a straw.  
The cops all hit the deck.  
Toadette ran deep into the forest.

* * *

Heather entered the Bass's cabin. Izzy was hanging from the rafters.

"Izzy," said Heather.  
Izzy dropped down. "What is it, Queen B?"  
"Don't call me that," Heather replied, "And I need a favour. As a fellow member of the alliance, do you think it is right to withhold any information that could carry you past the point of no teams?"  
Izzy shook her head.  
"Then what is Charlie Brown's big secret?"  
Izzy whispered into Heather's ear. Heather grinned very evilly.

* * *

 **Confession Cam**

 **Heather-** Hello, Mr and Mrs Brown, wherever you are. Why don't you welcome your son to my alliance? Oh wait! You can't because nobody knows where we are. Anyway, I'm disappointed that we didn't lose, but at least my alliance is getting closer to half the team. I only need one more idiot to join my ranks.

END

* * *

Heather put her hand on Izzy's shoulder.  
"You've been infinitely helpful to our cause," Heather told the maniac, "For your work, I am promoting you to second-in-command. If I'm ever voted off, you're in charge of the alliance."

* * *

 **Confession Cam**

 **Heather-** Empty promise. Not getting voted off.

 **END**

* * *

Charlie Brown sat on the Dock of Shame. Enter Heather.  
"Why are you sitting on the Dock of Shame?" She asked him.  
"This is were I belong," Brown responded.  
Charlie Brown tried to move away. Heather yanked him back and held him over the water.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!" asked Charlie Brown.  
"Your secret's out, kid," replied the alpha female.

* * *

 **Confession Cam**

 **Charlie Brown-** Oh no.

 **Heather-** Oh yeah.

 **Izzy-** Izzy hates secrets now. Izzy hates what Heather hates, so Izzy made the secret a secret no more. Now Queen B knows that Charles C. Brown-

 **END**

* * *

Charlie Brown struggled to get free as Heather held him above the water.

"Don't try and free yourself, Charlie," Heather chided, loosening her grip on the child.  
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" Charlie Brown yelled.  
"I want to keep your secret safe, kid. I'll give you this deal: You join my alliance. Vote for who I tell you to vote for. Do what I tell you to do. In return I will make sure the secret is between me, you, and... my anonymous informant."

"WAS IT LUCY?!" Charlie Brown asked, furious at both Heather and the elder van Pelt, "LUCY HATES ME! IT WAS HER, WASN'T IT?!" He thrashed and fell out the bottom of his shirt, saving himself by grabbing it at the last second.  
"I would never betray my friends," replied Heather, "Now make your choice: My alliance or the Atlantic."  
"I'll join you," Charlie Brown squeaked.

Heather pulled him up.  
"Let us never speak of this," she told him.

* * *

 **Confession Cam**

 **Charlie Brown-** Oh well. At least I have someone else to do the thinking for me.

 **Heather-** This kid ain't making it to the merge. I promise you all.

 **END**

* * *

 **Voting Time**

Team Nermal and Those Guys sat in the Garfield teams' gymnasium, talking with each other. Soon, Chris and Chef Hatchet made their way in.  
"TEAM NERMAL!" Chris announced, "As you know, Jon cannot host right now due to his current situation. So until he returns, say hello to your new host, CHEF HATCHET!" Chris clapped. Nobody else did, though.

"Aw, man!" Nermal interjected, "Can't we just use a contestant that doesn't have a really big role? Like Garfield's mother, Sonja? That's her name, right?"  
"In some fanons, yes," Chris replied, "But Chef's your temporary host and he will BE your host until and IF Jon is found alive."

Chef wheeled up two familiar wheels.

Lucy walked up and spun the Wheel of Misfortune.

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPIN YET?!" Chef yelled, "NO REWARD FOR YOU!"

Chef motioned to an intern. The Wheel of Misfortune was wheeled out.  
"ALRIGHT MAGGOTS OF TEAM NERMAL!" Chef screamed, "YOU HAVE LOST THE CHALLENGE. YOUR CAPTAIN IS TO SPIN THE LOSER'S WHEEL. NOW!"  
Nermal sprinted to the Wheel of Epically Failing Loserdom and heaved it as hard as he could. It landed on Random Elimination.

The entire team groaned.

Chef pulled out a book. "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO- Oh, not this again." He pulled out the rulebook. "RANDOM ELIMINATION! THERE WILL BE A WHEEL WITH EACH OF YOUR FACES. YOUR CAPTAIN IS TO SPIN THAT WHEEL. THE ONE WHOSE FACE THE WHEEL STOPS ON IS THE ONE THAT IS GOING TO BE ELIMINATED! AND THEY CAN NOT RETURN FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON! YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GO HOME!"

An intern pulled up a wheel, featuring the faces of Nermal, Normal, Wade, Wide, Jill, Irma, Liz, Squeak, Herman and Ellen.  
Nermal spun the Team Nermal face wheel.  
It landed on...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Squeak.  
"NOOOOOOO!" Squeak wailed. Chris picked the mouse up and carried him to the Dock of Shame.

* * *

 **Confession Cam**

 **Nermal-** Eh. He wasn't useful anyway.

 **END**

* * *

Squeak sailed away.

Chris and Chef stood on the Dock, hands behind backs.

"Next time on TCC, will Toadette be busted?" Chris asked.

"Will any of these maggots shape up?" Chef asked.

"And what will happen to Charlie Brown?" Chris asked.

"Find out next time on TOTAL! CROSSOVER! CHAOS!"


	6. Episode 6: Sweet Can(dy), And Lasers Too

Chris stood on the Dock of Shame, with Chef Hatchet, Troy McClure and Chad Cassidy behind him. Chris didn't have his trademark sadistic smile and was holding a rose.

"I'm sorry, viewers," Chris said solemnly, "But we have concluded that if Jon is still alive, he will not survive to make it to land." He stared sadly at the wood on the Dock, wishing there was a way to save him. After a few moments of lament, he buried his face in Chef's stomach and started bawling.  
"IT'S NOT FAIR!" he cried. "WHY HIM?! WHY HIM AND NOT CHAD?!"  
Chad's expression changed from serious to just a little bit ticked off.

Chris pulled himself away from Chef for a moment. "This episode is dedicated to Jon. We will never forget the memories we had with him, such as the fashion show challenge..." Greyscale footage of Jon holding up a 3 sign at the judges' table. "...and many more that time does not permit listing. Welcome back to Total Crossover Chaos."

* * *

The contestants were all in the Garfield gym. Troy and Chad were the only hosts present.

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure," he began, with his normal TV voice, "You may remember me from such competition shows as _The Puppy Bachelor_ and _Survivor: New York_. Our next challenge is going to be... a heist."

Silence.

"THIS IS DISGUSTING!" Toadsworth yelled, marching up to the hosts. "AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH CRIMINAL BEHAVIOUR! I DEMAND YOU GIVE TEAM ROYAL A PASS FOR THIS CHALLENGE!" he continued, his moustache flapping from the force of his words.  
"Ah-ah-ah!" said Chad, waving his finger in Toadsworth's face, "You gotta do this challenge."  
"Don't worry," Troy added, " _You're_ not gonna be stealing anything."  
Toadsworth scoffed, turned on his heel and walked indignantly back to his team.

"I DON'T SUPPOSE EITHER OF _YOU TWO GENTLEMEN_ WOULD CARE TO PERFORM SUCH THEIVERY?" Toadsworth asked, pointing at Douglas and Diddy Kong. Without giving them time to answer, he continued, "WELL SINCE _YOU GENTLEMEN_ -" He points "-AREN'T WILLING TO DIRTY YOUR NONEXISTANT REPUTATIONS WITH CRIME, I GUESS **GRAMPA TOADSWORTH** WILL HAVE TO DO IT HIS OWN DARN SELF!"

"Toadsworth's kind of a psycho," Toadette whispered to Peach.  
"You should've seen him when he heard about _Lethal Bullet Bill_. Since then, I've had to take six armed Toads with me whenever I want to use the bathroom." Peach whispered back.  
Toadette giggled.

* * *

The contestants were in a large, dim room with 13 vault doors at the far end and a checkered line about 3 metres in front of the doors. Each door had the logo of a team on it. The contestants filed accordingly, behind the checkered line.  
The doors opened. Troy McClure stepped out of the middle one.

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure," he said, "You will remember me for such challenge clues as _have one of your team get through the corridor of lasers, get the Gummi Venus de Milo at the end of the laser corridor and get back past the finish line_ and _the walls are laserproof glass, feel free to check your rivals' progress. You can also check the scoreboard on the wall, the illuminated team names are the ones not out yet_. Now GO!"

The teams scrambled to find their runner and shove them across the line. It was a sheer massacre. Only Garfield of Team Garfield, Professor Frink of Team Publicity and Homer of Team Golden Donut made it across. Additionally, Yoshi of Team 64 and Toadsworth of Team Royal made no effort to even cross the start/finish line.

* * *

 **Team Publicity- Runner: Prof. Frink**

Frink hurdles the first set of lasers. "Alrighty, I may have gotten past that but-"  
He is interrupted by a loud buzzing noise. He looks up to see a horizontal laser rising to the ceiling.  
"Oh, son of a glavin," Frink mumbles as he walks back out.

* * *

 **Team Golden Donut- Runner: Homer**

 _Alright, Homer_ , Homer thinks, _You've got this, you've stolen one of these before, just gotta remember the Isotopes Laser Dance..._  
Homer sprints at the lasers, hopping and sliding over, under and around them.  
"Drunkard, wino, barfly, Duffman, drunkard, wino, barfly, Duffman," Homer recites, and with each word he makes the matching dance move and successfully clears a set of lasers.  
He reaches the Gummi Venus quickly and snatches it up. He takes a moment to sit on the pedastal to catch his breath and admire the candy.  
Cut to shot of him from camera behind the pedastal.  
"Sweet, sweet, sweet, yum-a-licious..." Homer says to the gummi, "CanCanCanCanCanCanCanCanCanCanCanCan..."  
Homer appears to be twitching unnaturally. He leans forward with each "Can" and instantly sits upright again as he starts the next one.

* * *

Chef sat in front of the editing computer with Chris on his lap. A faint "CanCanCanCan..." could be heard from the computer.  
"Feel better now?" Chef asked.  
Chris laughed through his tears. "A little..."

* * *

Homer is jarred back to the challenge by a loud buzz.  
"Oh no, that must be Garfield! He's the only comic character that truly knows my way of life!" Homer says, panicking.  
Homer runs back through the gauntlet, but stops halfway. He sees Yoshi's tongue shoot through the laser corridor and latch onto his team's Gummi Venus.

Suddenly, all the lasers in Homer's corridor disappear. Horizontal lasers begin sliding down to block the vault door. He looks over and sees the same happen for Yoshi. He sprints towards the door. He's close, but Yoshi's tongue is closing the distance, fast. He gets to the door and it looks to be a photo finish, but just as he slides under the lasers, a loud buzz is heard. The lasers have stopped at his stomach.

He is too fat.

* * *

"WAY TO GO, HOMER," said Bart through grinding teeth, with a huge, intensely throbbing vein bulging out of his forehead.  
"Ignore him, dad," said Lisa, "You were the only one that actually made it through the lasers and back."

* * *

"DID YOU SEE THAT?!" Toadette screamed, "HE USED HIS TONGUE!" She began shaking Douglas by the neck. "HOW COME YOU DIDN'T THINK OF THAT?!" she screamed at him.  
"AND _YOU!_ "she continued, letting go of Douglas with one hand to grab him and Toadsworth at the same time, "WHY DID YOU INSIST TO DO IT? JUST SO YOU COULD _BOYCOTT_ IT?!"  
"Woah, woah, woah," said Peach, "Let's keep it calm, we can't implode yet. After all, we're probably over a hundred episodes away from being able to do that."

Toadette dropped the two. "You're right," she sighed.

* * *

Troy and Chad stood at the Dock of Shame, with the two prize wheels, about to address the contestants.

He began, "Hi, I'm Troy McClure, you might remember me from such competition shows as _The Puppy Bachelor_ and _Survivor: New York City_ -"  
"Get to the point!" Selma shouted, and threw a lit cigarette at him.

Troy dodged the cigarette and continued, "Alright, Team 64 won, so their captain SMG4 will spin the Wheel of Misfortune for a prize."  
SMG4 came up to the wheel and spun it. It landed on Executive Vote.  
"Ooh, I like this one," said Troy, "As the captain, YOU get the sole vote next time your team loses."  
SMG4 nodded and went back to his team.

"Next, Peach, your team lost, so you spin the Wheel of Epically Failing Loserdom to claim your anti-prize."  
Peach blushed in embarrassment as she walked up to the wheel. She half-heartedly spun it. It landed on Jury Vote.  
"Two vote ones!" Chad cheered. "Alright," he explained, "I'm gonna get a random number between 1 and 6. That is the number of people on your team that vote today. Then, we select, randomly, the ones of you that will vote. It's normal from there."

An intern wheeled up a digital wheel, with a button in the center.  
"D6!" Chad commanded, and hit the button in the center. A virtual die appeared, rattled around and stopped on 3.  
"Wheel with options: Princess Peach, Toadsworth, Princess Daisy, Toadette, Douglas, Diddy Kong!" Chad commanded, and the display changed to six wedges arranged like a traditional wheel, each bearing the face of a Team Royal contestant.  
He hit the button. The wedges rotated around the center, and the selected wedge was the Toadette wedge.

Toadette jumped for joy. She hugged Peach and Daisy.  
"Remove option: Toadette!" Chad commanded. " The Toadette wedge disappeared, and the rest widened to fill the gap.  
He hit the button. The wedges once again rotated and the selected wedge was Princess Peach.  
Toadsworth began, "Princess, it is in your best interests to give m-"  
"Grandpa, **no** ," Peach replied.  
Toadsworth grumbled about her "Lack of respect".

Chad removed the Peach wedge from the wheel and spun it again. The selected wedge was Princess Daisy.  
Daisy held her hand up to Peach for a high five. Naturally, she got one.

"You're all free to go, now," said Troy, "Team Royal, meet me back here at sundown."

* * *

Jon's Grandma stood at the roof of the ironically-named Garfield gym. A small crowd was watching.  
"Are you crazy, grandma? Get down from there!" yelled Doc Boy.  
"If you come down, I'll bake you a protein pie!" yelled Jon's Mom.  
"Don't you dare jump or we'll catch you!" yelled Bertie Bear.  
"Do a flip!" yelled Jason Fox.

She jumped.

She did a flip.

She landed safely.

"Did you really think _I_ , the world's fittest granny, wouldn't survive that?" asked Grandma.  
Murmurs ran through the small crowd, mostly along the lines of "I guess you're right" as they stared at the ground.

* * *

"FALCOOOOON..."  
Linus turned around to investigate the sound. A beach is no place for a sound like that.  
"PAWNCH!"

Captain Falcon was breaking into the shed in which Team Bowser was using to store their fast food. He immediately began shoveling burgers into his mouth.  
Linus saw Iggy on the horizun, running their way. He needed to act fast, as if Iggy was headed for the shed, this situation could cost the life of the Captain, and possibly Linus also. He took his blanket and wrapped it round Capt. Falcon just as he tried to dive into a pile of Quebec Fries. He dragged Falcon behind a palm tree.

Iggy ran by the shed. He tripped and fell over, laughed like a madman and ran into the sea, not stopping until he was completely underwater, and then some. Obviously he wasn't interested in eating.

"Thanks, kid. I owe you one, that coulda turned out _bad_ ," Falcon whispered.  
"Matthew 22:39, _And the second is like unto it; thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself_. It was only just," replied Linus.  
"What's the first that this is unto like or whatever?" the Captain enquired.  
"It's Matthew 22:37, _Jesus said unto him, thou shalt love the lord thy god with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind._ " Linus explained.  
"This Matthew guy seems really into love," Capt. Falcon observed.  
"Not completely, Matthew 17:12 says _But I say unto you, That Elias is come already, and they knew him not, but have done unto him whatsoever they listed. Likewise shall also the Son of man suffer of them_."  
"So what, was he a philosopher?"  
"Just take a look at this and see for yourself." Linus handed Falcon a copy of _The King James Bible_ and left.

* * *

Troy stood in the campfire area before the Team Royal contestants.

Troy began, "Hi, I'm T-"  
"Get to the point!" everyone shouted.

"Alright, alright," said Troy, "I've got 5 1-UP Mushrooms in here that'll let you stay another episode. The one of you that does NOT get one will be thrown into the Atlantic Ocean with only a deck chair."  
"WHAT?!" shouted everyone in Team Royal.  
"Kidding! Anyway, Peach, Daisy and Toadette are all safe." Troy tossed 1-UPs to each of them. They high fived each other as they savoured the moment and the marshmallows.  
Troy continued with the handing out. "The next person safe is...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.  
Diddy Kong. Toadsworth, Douglas, this is the-"  
"You can just give me the 1-UP, we know it's gonna be Toadsworth," said Douglas, as he got up to claim his mushroom.  
"Actually, you're off," said Troy.

 **Confession Cam**

 **Douglas-** I seem to have overestimated Toadette's intelligence and underestimated her tongue.  
 **Toadette-** I convinced 'em, that's right.  
 **Homer-** I wish I was the one voted off, the host confiscated my Gummi Venus. *Sobs quietly*  
 **Troy-** Best part of the job, I get to keep the Gummi Venuses. *Takes a bite of one* Mmmm-mm, that's a sweet can-  
 **Ralph-** Hi Daddy, I'm on TB! Now what was I doing? Oh yeah! *Continues humming the tune he was humming during the baseball challenge*

 **END**

* * *

Douglas walked up the Dock of Shame, ready to leave the island. He climbed into the boat.  
"Any last words?" asked Chad.  
Douglas began, "Well, I'd like to-"  
"Kidding, you're not important enough. Sayonara!" Chad kicked the boat away from the dock.  
"IRONIC COMING FROM YOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooouuuu..." Douglas yelled as he drifted away.

* * *

Troy and Chad stand at the Dock of Shame.  
"Next time on Total Crossover Chaos, what plot twist comes next?" asks Chad.  
"What new leaf will be turned?" asks Troy.  
"And what exactly was Douglas saying at the end there?" asks Chad, "You may or may not find out next time on..."  
Chad: TOTAL!  
Troy: CROSSOVER!  
Both: CHAOS!


End file.
